|Well, that's just rude.|
Da-da's 5 and 7YO boys love his sophisticated tale -- they should, they pretty much wrote it -- a dialectic extrapolation of the 13 Words That Make Little Kids Laugh. Da-da thought he'd share since it seems to always get laughs from the kinder crowd, even though the character development is anemic, the imagery thin, and the metaphors offered as soggy little tea sandwiches. Demographics beyond the aforementioned age group will probably just stare at you -- unless they're stoned, which they all are after age eleven.
[Performance Note: "Sit" on each silly bolded word for extra laughs. Da-da also employs a variety of accents, his thoroughly researched backwoods drawl the biggest laugh-getter, though some words take practice. It helps to channel Sam Elliott, especially in the pace... you know, kinda like you do everyday, already. And use your hands to demonstrate the eavesdroppers' slapstick.]
The Man Formerly Known as Chickenbutt
by A Man Called Da-da
There once was a man with a very silly name that hardly anyone ever said out loud. His name was Bighonkin Chickenbutt. He lived and worked outside the dark woods of Dribblestinkie, where he could be found every day making succotash for aardvarks. Somebody had to.
One day, Chickenbutt met a shy girl with red hair and red glasses. To him, she seemed very pretty. After weeks of sharing funny looks, Chickenbutt got up his courage and walked up to her. He suddenly realized he'd have to introduce himself and tell her his name. Then he saw a group of rude townsfolk standing within earshot. He knew they'd laugh at him if they heard their conversation, but he found his courage, gulped and lowered his voice.
"Um, hi. I'm... [Brghrnkn]."
"What?" the girl asked. "I couldn't hear you." Her voice was kind, birdlike with a bit of raspberry. The eavesdroppers craned their necks.
Bighonkin cleared his throat. "Ahem. Most call me... Chickenbutt." The girl smiled, but did not laugh. The eavesdroppers snickered quietly. "But you can call me Bighonkin."
"How do you do?" she said, still not laughing for some reason. "What brings you to our fair town?"
"I work at the Dribblestinkie rutabaga factory... making succotash... for aardvarks."
The eavesdroppers tried hard not to laugh out loud, shoving fists in their mouths and pulling jackets over their heads.
"How fascinating," the girl said, sincerely. Encouraged, Bighonkin asked the girl her name.
"My name is... Aimnotta," she said. Nearby, an eavesdropper snorted in the bushes.
Bighonkin thought this an odd name. "Aimnotta," he said. "Aimnotta what?"
"Aimnotta OoglyUnderpants," she said. One eavesdropper laughed and fell into a corn bin. Another laughed so hard he fell off a roof (BONK). "I teach at the Flabberbingball School for Wombats. We train them to use teeny tiny toilets."
The eavesdroppers howled, falling over themselves in the street, laughing. One tripped into a pickle barrel. Eventually, they all passed out. In the silence, Bighonkin moved closer to Aimnotta.
"I know this is sudden, but will you marry me?" Bighonkin asked.
"That would make me... Aimnotta Chickenbutt," she said, making a face. An unconscious eavesdropper lying in the dusty dirt road laughed once and was silent. "It's not very dignified, I'm afraid."
Bighonkin thought a moment. "What if we both changed our names to one we found more agreeable?"
Aimnotta smiled, nodded and took his hand. "Then the answer is yes. Wait till you taste my chickenhead poof-cake!"
And so it came to pass that Bighonkin Chickenbutt of Dribblestinkie married Aimnotta OoglyUnderpants of Flabberbingball. The next day they legally changed their last names and traveled to a new county for a time, where they started a new family. Years later, longing for home, they moved to nearby Whackenpoof Prefecture in SquirrelButt Township. The local newspaper ran a story about the newcomers:
SquirrelButt Welcomes Underpants-Heads
Locals welcomed Aimnotta and Bighonkin Underpants-Head to SquirrelButt yesterday with open arms. The Underpants-Heads bring with them all manner of rutabaga and succotash thingies, as well as wombat-style teeny-tiny toilet training for SquirrelButt farmers everywhere. Additionally, Aimnotta Underpants-Head's new Squirrelbutt bakery boasts her award-winning chickenhead poof-cake.
Their children, Stinky, Whomper, Jiggerbutt, Gooberbooby and Robo-stinkie Underpants-Head start Boom-Pickle Elementary in the fall.
The End. Finally.Yeah. Da-da knows. It's Proust for pre-schoolers. Try reading this to a group of kindergartners though, and you'll knock 'em dead.