Now that fall is officially here, Da-da's thoughts turn to sleeping alone in 5-star hotels, far away from screaming lawn gorillas. Untenable fantasies aside, Da-da's really been thinking about soup. If this doesn't show you how far Da-da's sunk, nothing will. Anyway, soup and fall invariably remind Da-da of
The Nine Golden Vampire Soups of DOOM, a true tale of culinary horror told in nine acts. Halloween is as good time as any for this, as that's about when this event transpired. Note that Da-da has never before relayed all of this story in such detail, frankly because its revolting even for iron-stomached Da-da.
So, backstorytime. Da-da used to work for a Taiwanese-owned company, with factories and sales offices in Northern and Southern China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia, Japan, and of course Taiwan. Anyway, on one extended four-week trip to all of the above, Da-da documenting (via video and film) how things were made at various factories (punctuated with
boring sexy shots of
banal sweatbox exciting sales offices), the Taiwanese owner himself made an appearance in Shanghai and decided to take Da-da to his favorite restaurant on his second-to-last night in-country, a restaurant that specialized in
soup. Da-da forgets the name, but Da-da loves soup, so he was excited.
Da-da and the Taiwanese owner sat down with a bunch of the company's uppercrust Chinese executives for an uber-expensive super-soup extravaganza in a gold and crystal bowl-shaped special room set two special (and probably lucky) stories above the ground floor of a special swanky restaurant, so everyone below could see the all-important special people dining above. Special! The owner did all the ordering (in Canto-Mandarin), and we settled in for whatever his whim dictated. The "doom" part of our story will become obvious, but how were these bowls of soup, "golden"? The big boss' lead attorney, a kind-looking Chinese man with birth-control glasses, leaned over and told Da-da (in perfect english, he went to USC) that each bowl cost about as much as a regular white-collar worker in Shanghai makes in two months, "So be sure to relish the experience," he said. Da-da immediately felt guilty and beholden -- and a little horrified. What if the soup was revolting? As guest of honor, Da-da had to eat everything and SMILE.
A. The Aperitif. Before the meal, we were served glasses of baby-mice rice wine (they were lined up at the bottom of the bottle), so Da-da had some idea of what he was in for. The "wine" was so revolting that Da-da immediately switched to single malt scotch, drinking copious amounts to hopefully numb his nose and tongue as much as possible, if not the actual brain cells recording the experience. Needless to say, the scotch failed to scotch the memory. Speaking of that, you might need a drink or two to read this post -- and hopefully you're not having soup tonight.
Here we go. The first course...
1. Bug Soup. Ok, they weren't any bugs in it, not at first. It was a mild first course and smelled wonderful -- basically chicken mushroom soup with scallions -- until they dumped a big multi-colored bowl of living bugs into it, perhaps so you definitely knew the bugs were there. Mmmm. Repulsed, Da-da sipped the broth and made "yummy" noises. Everyone else devoured it (making crunching sounds Da-da can still hear in his sleep), probably because it was either lucky, gave you an inordinately large penis, long life, or all of the above. Next up...
2. Unknown Animal Hoof Soup. This was actually quite good. Da-da ate all of it (but it made him sick, later... at least Da-da thinks this was the cause). Pretty tame, but we were just warming up. Next on the menu...
3. Curried Urine Soup. Yeah. Da-da smelled it before it even hit the table and pretty much pegged it for what it was. It was apparently a rare kind of deer urine and why anyone would willingly use this as an ingredient is way beyond Da-da. More scotch, please.
4. Octopus Soup. This was fabulous. Da-da ate all he was offered. However, this good cop/bad cop way of soup presentation was starting to get on Da-da's nerves. Would the next course be wondrous? A nightmare? Both?
5. Coagulated Pig's Blood and Uberhot Chili Pepper Soup... was surprisingly good. HOT. My God, this stuff burned Da-da's face off, which could be considered a community service by some. Da-da's tummy started to ache about this point.
6. Bird Saliva Soup. Also known as, "Bird's Nest Soup," it's basically a delicate soup made from the various excretions of swallows, which is pretty gross if you think about it, so you try not to think about it. It was also surprisingly good, but Da-da couldn't help but wretch a little as his mind resolved the history of the food. It was also a terrible choice to come after the chili-blood soup, as Da-da's palate was still yelling, "AAIIEE, HOT HOT!" Waiter, load up that tumbler with scotch.
7. Raw Duck Blood Soup. As if one icky blood soup weren't enough, here comes a lime-y avian blood soup --
raw, ew -- a specialty from Vietnam. Da-da did of course try this "soup," and it didn't taste like chicken. Nope. It tasted like raw blood. And lime. Mariachi vampires would've lined up around the block. Da-da made a meal of the cilantro and ordered a double scotch. He'd need it for the main course.
And now, preamble to Numbah Eight...
The 8th course was unbelievable in presentation. Da-da knew something was up as the execs were excited and looking around. Soon, two waiters came out with a huge tureen of broth that had just come off a roiling boil, setting it in the center of the table on a hot plate that got it boiling again. Expecting the worst, Da-da peered inside... but there was nothing, just broth. THEN... here came three of the cook-staff, carrying big steaming towels on their shoulders. What the flock is that? The three guys leaned in toward the center of the table... and dumped LIVE GREEN SNAKES into the boiling hot tureen, where they promptly wiggled and died in misery. That said, the freshness of the soup could not be denied. Everyone went, "AAHHHH," as a snakey scum soon floated on the surface, just in time for them to ladle huge amounts of the stuff into smaller gynormous tureens they placed before us.
The skins soon fell off the snakes, revealing long pink meat-going-gray and endless backbone, which is what makes a snake a snake, but it also makes barf... you know, BARF. Da-da's stomach crawled. He downed more scotch, woozy by now, and looked around at everyone. They were waiting for him to take the first bite. Da-da took his first bite of...
8. Living Dead Snake Soup, and... well, it tasted like snake soup. Snakey! Da-da immediately gave his to the attorney, who devoured it, go figure. Finally, for dessert...
9. Cold Black Soup. Yuck. This was simply pureed black sesame seeds and about a pound of white sugar, served cold, the gestalt of which was more viscous than
Da-da Coffee. Da-da took one bite and promptly gave it way, taking the rest of his calories in the form of alcohol.
There were two other soups that the restaurant was famous for, but they mercifully didn't have all the ingredients, so they got scratched off the menu for the night.Boo hoo. Good thing, too, as one of them sounded truly disgusting, made from a fungus that grows inside a caterpillar (the same fungus that controls ant's brains from within, like Da-da's gonna eat THAT, NFW). The other scratched soup was simultaneously so heinous and expensive (something like $2000 a bowl) that Da-da would be caught in a bind if it were presented to him, because he would have caused a scene by refusing to eat it, it was that reprehensible -- so much so, in fact, that Da-da won't commit its name to this blog. (Anyone who orders it should be publicly flogged.) Da-da thought his hosts were kidding, but he saw the names scratched off the menu, so... it's real. Suffice to say that some culinary Halloween adventures can be scarier than any bloodthirsty vampire or corporate CEO lusting after your blood soup. Oh, why were they "vampire" soups? Because they sucked.
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| Da-da coffee is the only reliable "soup." |
