Food and Loathing: The Amazing Chicken-free Chicken Pot Pie, A Product Non-Recommendation

Don't you believe it.

Sure, Da-da likes to make most things from scratch, but like every other parent on earth, he doesn't always have time to move around without the restraints. So, since Bronko and Nagurski love pot pies -- which Da-da usually secures from Trader Joes, (which are awesome, but they were out) -- Da-da shelled out $5.49 each for two of the above pot pies from an upscale overpriced market that shall remain shameless. $5.49 doesn't apparently buy what it once did, esp. when it's festooned with the word, "ORGANIC." Note that these were the only two pot pies they carried, the other brand being smaller. Here's the image and description off Pacific Foods website:

"Tender chunks of free-range organic chicken and garden vegetables are simmered slowly in a creamy sauce and ladled into a light, flakey crust made with organic flour and butter. It will remind you of home in that mouthwatering “can I have seconds, please?” sort of way. And this one is ready in about seven minutes. So, you could have two if you really wanted to."

Uh huh. Dangle that participle, word-monkey. That said, the pot pie reality was a bit different.

First off, there were no chunks of chicken whatsoever. Not one. In two pies. Da-da checked, incredulous, as he'd been suckered by the pic on the box and couldn't quite believe it, but who are we kidding this is what the world has come to, right? [breathing sound] Second, there was no crust apart from the thing slapped on top of the paper bowl, and it was a millimeter thick. Ah, but there were lots of "chicken gravy," vaguelly redolent of... well, of something that used to have feathers. Since the "pie" contained nothing else, these were in fact nothing but, "GRAVY PIES," and the gravy was lame. Da-da wasted an hour's-worth of British Thermal Units to cook these pathetic paper bowls of blah. And Da-da's boys did not want seconds -- indeed, they quite loudly complained that there was no chicken in their chicken pot pie (which they've come to expect from Trader Joes' pot pie), took two bites of gravy and asked for a hot dog. Da-da then had to waste more time and more money making more food -- in a big damn hurry, as the natives were starving and tend to flense flesh off bones in this dangerous state. They were not happy and Da-da is not happy... AND POT PIE IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

See there? You made Da-da get all CAP-py. Nice work. Back to Soylent Green, already in progress.

"Soylent Green is people food!"