If Ads Ran the World

                                                                                      [via There is Always a Theory]

Thermostat Wars

(source img: artist Julia Jacquette)

Since the one side of "Man" got power-of-attorney over our species' nomenclatural designation, it's been the same old conflict: WHAT temperature will make both women and men happy? We all know the answer -- and the ancient reasons for the hoary custom of segregation of the sexes. Is there a solution? No. Well... no. Ok, but maybe if... no.

Awright, Da-da will try to fix the unfixable, but don't get your hopes up. Here's what we could do:

1. Crank all thermostats up 85 degrees (yes, in WINTER, Mr. Attorney). Note that this higher temperature puts tons and tons of additional carbon dioxide and heat and methane and schmutz into the atmosphere, working towards ever increasing levels of greenhouse gases and global warming to the point that civilization ends, but it's WOMEN'S COMFORT and cuddle-receptivity we're talking about, so the planet can go pound sand (um, like the last planet we ruined, and then we had to come to this one).


2. In this steamy environment, have all women wear fleece. SEXY FLEECE. In layers. About nine or ten layers. Of fleece and wool, alternatively. And big ol' faux-fur-lined boots. Now you know how men feel all the time.


3. Have all men wear the thinnest t-shirts available (preferably tie-dyed) and thin cotton boxers with little Yodas on them. Why? BECAUSE YODA IS SEXY. (Shut up. Too, he is.)


4. All women then must eat carbs. LOTS OF CARBS: BISCUITS, GRAVY, PANCAKES, RICE, BARLEY, SYRUP, PIZZA AND CHOCOLATE... all at the same time. This will boost female somatic heat indices. Meanwhile, all men must eat nothing and drink lots of water. When men are forced to either eat or die, they can have grapefruit and rainwater. This will halt metabolic activity and keep men feeble and cool, where women like them.

Voila. Problem solved. Men will naturally lose weight and be perpetually cold and easy to control and women will bake and not mind at all being a bit zaftig and in charge... which will make nearly everyone happy, overall. Nearly everyone.

Honey, that's warm enough.

Your Basic Psycho-Da-da Detente -- On the Rocks, With a Twist (and a Little Logging Accident)

Well, the mohair sweater probably helped break the ice. That and the little cheesy mustache.

Da-da finally infiltrated a group of RFMs (Regular Female Moms) today at a local espresso gulag while the boys were at a ninjitsu lesson, and to their surprise the RFMs realized that not only does Da-da share their lives and experiences with about 98.9% accuracy, but when one mom told of her husband's philandering -- then wondered what Da-da thought about THAT (as a kind of primate challenge) -- Da-da (who was admittedly tired and had low boundaries) informed the assembled women, deadpan, that if HE were a woman enduring what he's been enduring with two or more screaming hellions and the husband were having an affair -- or worse, leaving her for another woman WHO DIDN"T HAVE CHILDREN -- that Da-da would feed him a sumptious meal (to slow him down), then hack off his head with an axe and mount the head to the hood of the family car and make it look like a logging accident. (Happens allll the time, officer.) Then he'd go after the offending female and anyone who looked like her. Despite sounding like a psycho axe murderer, Da-da got a standing ovation. We were all officially sympatica. Sympatico? Jeez, even the coffee clerk yelled, "You GO, girl!" Of course, most women have the good sense not to do such heinous things in similar circumstances, which is probably the reason why the human race has gone on for so long. And in his own defense, Da-da is only just-so civilized.

Oops! Time for Da-da's meds (the voices are so LOUD, today). What? DA-DA SAID THEY WERE LOUD, TODAY. Jeez.

WHERE are Da-da's meds?? DO YOU HAVE THEM?

Are You Resisting Tampax? ARE YOU REALLY?

Da-da has been asking himself why for years.