Of Goat Cleanliness, Rapturian Moments of Inertia, and Donuts LEFT BEHIND

WHOOOAOAAAA!

Something is just plain wrong with our Emergency Rapture System... at least for humans. Turkeys and piggies and fish (see above) are currently styling with dodos and dinosaurs, spiritually. However, in regards to the Human Rapture Proper -- which was supposed to occur... well, five months ago, and then either last week or this week, who knows -- but should The Rapture finally strike, this blog thing will be officially unDa-da'ed, 'cause Da-da's elbowed his way to first in line for that big drive-in concession stand in the sky. No, really. God called and said that little 'goat-in-the-dishwasher' incident was no big deal. Lots of people do that. Alas, Da-da fears he got Left Behind AGAIN, this time with all of these jelly donuts. And clean goats.

Hi. I'm clean now. Where's my donut?

DA-DA MARKED, "RETURN TO SENDER" [SNIFF]

Sadly, Da-da's bid for Paradise was rejected because of some priors on his record (Da-da didn't know the chicken OR the plunger both had built-in recording devices, damn), so he got sent back down to Triple-A Pergatory (highest level, cool). At least he got this great t-shirt that reads:

I WAS RAPTURED
AND ALL I GOT
WAS THIS T-SHIRT

When Da-da got home he realized that they gave him a medium. Crap.

Dang. Da-da looked HOT in that angel outfit, too.

Da-da Got Raptured After All

Da-da can see your house from here.

Hi, all. Yeah, so Da-da got Raptured (they were backlogged). He's currently sitting at a gynormicon weigh station in the clouds, sipping espresso and awaiting his number to be called (Da-da has ticket #4,989,342,007). Luckily, they have free wireless Internet here and free netbooks -- and this amazing espresso machine -- so Da-da's posts go on for... uh... hold on, there's an announcement... ah. They just called #4,989,342,001 (they're crankin'), so Da-da's pretty close. More news after Da-da's number's called.

Wow, the music here is first rate -- and LIVE. Martin Denny is currently onstage with Miles Davis doing a techno-polynesian cover of the Clash's, "London Calling," with bars of 5/8 sprinkled with 17/32, Woody Guthrie and C.P.E. Bach doing tropical bird calls. Amazing.

Huh. The Rapture Actually Occurred...

 
...for prairie dogs. First it was the dinosaurs, then the dodos (except those on Capitol Hill), then the turkeys, the pigs, and now the prairie dogs. Damn. (So to speak.) Krikey, when will it be RAPTURE TIME for those of us with mommy brain? Like many before him, Da-da will simply have to take comfort in a really big spiky pickle. All Hail Spiky Pickle!

Going UP... or Not

(image courtesy Elevator Bob)

This just in. Escalators for the... uh, larger members of Rapturian society have been appearing everywhere in anticipation of the main event on May 21st (a.k.a, the RAPTURE). Those who might put more strain on the machinery than others (like Da-da, but muscle weighs MORE than fat, hello?) might want to show up early (and flash the barcode tattoo under your hairline). Da-da's always straining machinery of some kind or other.

Note: most of these escalators go UP, but some of those pesky DOWN escalators have also been appearing (like this one in the Pentagon, see below)... and they look oddly compelling. Next stop: The Blood of the Vanquished. See you all in the lounge. Da-da will be in the off-white sequined smoking jacket. (No, you can't go with Da-da, as he'll be taking the DOWN escalator from The Big White Spirit House, as he already secured a, "Purgatory and All Points South" hall pass from the Big Kahuna, Who's cool with... well, everything. Most of you think He's ANGRY all the time, but you're so wrong. Man, is He MELLOW.)

(image courtesy lecasio)

Rapturians, Please Feed the...

For those Rapturians heading out on Saturday, May 21st's, "Rapture Day," would you please feed all the pigs and turkeys that vanished due to this past holiday Turkey Rapture and Pig Rapture? And it would be great if you'd cut some of the mold off the hams and pile more wood in the smokehouse, thanks a bunch. In the meantime, Da-da needs to get busy occupying your properties and driving all your Buick LeSabres. Livin' the dream!