Of Rocks, Dead Rights, and a Tumbleweed Named Bob

Da-da loves this true family story, as it aptly details an important aspect of his complex clan. The following may give the gentle reader some inkling to the twisted Godzillas and trolls and Superfund sites lurking beneath the pleasingly carefree, totemic menus of Da-da ontological taco stand.

Envision a bright summer day in the midwest 60 years ago. Doves and bunnies leap about in gay '50s abandon. (You could say, "GAY ABANDON," back then without bursting into flame.) Da-da's father, then a teen -- the infamous Grampa Scotty, whose birthday is this week -- driving with his own grandpa, a feisty five-foot-seven relic of epic force and moment. You've heard of the rock and the hard place? Great gramps was both. Let's call him ROCK.

Anyway, teen Gramps and Rock were driving along when they came to a four-way stop. There was a bit of traffic, and everyone seemed to be behaving themselves, observing the rules of right of way. When it came his turn, the driver of the car (call it #1) to Rock's right started across the intersection... when suddenly the driver of the car behind him (#2) decided to skip his turn and follow car #1 right through the intersection.
Seeing red, Rock shouted, "IT'S MY TURN!" and stomped on the accelerator of his grenade-motored Buick Roadmaster behemoth, the grill of which weighed as much as Da-da's Jeep. Great gramps zoomed between the two cars... and tore out the entire front half of his car, from front bumper almost to the steering column.

You see, car #1 was TOWING car #2. With a thick-ass chain. Great Gramps didn't see that, obviously. Da-da imagines he's still mad, smoldering somewhere in Terra Haute's underground. Grampa Scotty loves to tell this story as an apt illustration of what he calls, "Dead right." Da-da has since passed it on to his charges... who appear to be boulders off the old Rock. Pray for Da-da's future car insurance premiums.

One more thing. In case you missed the earlier post, it's interesting to note that Da-da's Da-da looks EXACTLY like Scotty -- James Doohan -- from the Star Trek movies. Identical. He could make a fortune at Star Trek conventions if he'd just take a chance. Indeed, Bronko and Nagurski call Da-da's parents, "Grandma and Grandpa Scotty." (Seriously.) Alas, this is a misnomer for grandma, as she is the doppelganger to  Queen Elizabeth. If she had an english accent, she could order the guards at Buckingham Palace to kiss her squirrel (Grandma Scotty has a pet squirrel, name of, "GILGAMESH"). Unfortunately, my parents' union produced, for all intents and purposes, what looks like a cross between Sasquatch, Grizzly Adams, and a tumbleweed named, "Bob."

Fig. 32. "Bob."