Bad Mall Santa Da-da #2

In case you haven't been following Da-da's every move, this year he's taken on the mantle of Bad Mall Santa Da-da. The most important tactic in successfully portraying Santa is taking everything kids say at face value to discourage conversation and encourage the highest possible kid-santa throughput volume. Only one kid in 1000 is gonna remember your conversation anyway, if you could call it that, so you can pretty much say anything you want, so long as it's passive. Just channel a jolly and agreeable and hideously open-minded YES-MAN and you're golden. These aren't YOUR kids, after all. When they cry on Christmas morning because Santa didn't deliver that thermonuclear device or feline guillotine (sorry Calvin), you can smile and rest as assured as $9/hr can guarantee.

Here was the highlight of today's Bad Mall Santa Da-da interface 3000. The kid looked like Puggsley from The Addams Family.

Santa Da-da: Hi there, sport. What can Santa bring you this year?
Puggsly: A gun. Or a pencil.
Santa: Mmm. Santa can see uses for both.
Puggsly: A pencil. One that transforms into something.
Santa: Like what?
Puggsly: [thinks a long moment] Uh... a 'B.'
Santa: A bee?
Puggsly: No. The letter B.
Santa: A pencil that turns into the letter B?
Puggsly: Yes. A gynormous one.
Santa: Sounds like fun. Anything else?
Puggsly: Coffee.
Santa: Coffee. How would you like that?
Puggsly: Like yours.
Santa: That's not coffee, kid.
Puggsly: Ok, then a pony. With a head-horn.
Santa: You mean a unicorn.
Puggsly: Yeah, a unicorn. Pink! As big as a house!
Santa: Sure, kid. I'll park it next to the gynormous B.

[Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da, Part 1 or go on to Bad Mall Santa Da-da Part 3.]

Santa, can I drink your blood?

Bad Mall Santa Da-da #1

Bad Mall Santa Da-da. Sounds like a cross between a drunken R&B tune and a Grand Mal seizure. A bit o'both, Santa Da-da expects, but since Da-da's a few fries short of salvation, he's forced to go for laughs. (And ok, Da-da's been singing, "Bad Mall Santa Da-da" for a week, now. Sorry for the whammy.)

Anyway, just to prove to Da-da's mother-in-law that Da-da's not just any bum but an ENLIGHTENED BUM (in the American and British senses), this week Da-da's reporting live from the field, having reached a new low high in signing up to be Santa at a local mall -- primarily because he already has the beard (despite being only 30), can automatically reference himself in the Third Person... sometimes even the Fourth Person, and can ramble, RAMBLE LIKE THE WIND. The suit they gave Da-da is GREEN, which Da-da finds oddly appropriate and just a tad literary. If you see Da-da and yell, "TRIUMPH OF A MAN CALLED DA-DA!", Da-da will tear off the costume to reveal his insane mecha-Santa/Brother J tie-dye and then do some breakdancing, some really bad breakdancing. C'mon, it's the holidays... well, almost... the time for really bad breakdancing.

As of this writing, Santa Da-da's already been to, "Santa Kinetics re-Patterning" class, where he was taught how to put on and wear the costume, keep his hands in plain sight, move around like an enormous obese elf, insert a twinkle into his eye (ow), not make any sudden violent movements, laugh like he means it (that was tough), drink Blind Dog bourbon when no one's looking, be brand appropriate to various youth demographics, clandestinely record all shoppers and report nefarious behavior to Mall  Security, clean and remove the Dupont Child Excretion Lap-Shield 3000, shake like a bowl full of.. well, you get the idea. And for whatever reason, the

Da-da's first Yuletime greed victim looked like a miniature Harry Potter, and was equally serious. A little too serious.

"I want Rhodesia," little Harry said.

"What?" Da-da inquired. "You want what?" Santa Da-da looked at the mom in attendance and she just shrugged.

"Rhodesia. I want it."

"Hmm, Rhodesia. Santa's pretty sure it's called, "Zimbabwe" now, which sounds better and is equally unstable..."

"I want it."

"And you shall have it, my little Idi Amin Da-da reincarnation! Merry Chris-Kwanza-ka!"

Da-da gave the tyke a sugar-free, low-residue, high protein kelp "kandy kane" and reached for the bourbon. It's gonna be a long holiday season here in the illusion.

Ok, who lit Santa on fire again?

 [Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da, Part 2.]