Triumph of a Man Called Da-Da: July 2013

31.7.13

30.7.13

Hmm...

Perhaps Da-da has been Mr. Mom a bit too long, Freudian imagery notwithstanding.
Anyway, let's put some lipstick on this Invisible Pig and...

Scenes From Da-da's Mind-Roasting Summer

Uh oh. Looks like Da-da shouldn't have left the monkeys with Ma-ma today.
Also looks like she's been watching too much Buck Rogers, again.

29.7.13

Monday on the Austerity Express

It's Monday. Eat Your five-course Donut.

27.7.13

Gravity According to Snape

Huh. Snape falls faster than Dumbledore.

26.7.13

Avada Yodada!

"ARE YOU BOYS FIGHTING AGAIN?!"

Merlin's pants! 6 and 8YO Bronko and Nagurski are running all over the house, wands at the ready, cursing each other... in their own unique way:

"AVADA YODADA!"
"POOPEFY!"
"AFARTA KADAVRA!"
"GLOPPIO!"
"IMPEDIMENTA BUTTSIO!"
"LOOGIA!"
"BARFAMENTI!"
"POOPMOS!"
"LEVIDORKUS!"
"ALOHA MAMA!"

Then Da-da stops them cartwheeling on the stairs and they say, "NOFUNDO."

Jeez. The wizarding equivalent of cowboys and indians, by way of Blazing Saddles.

[Btw, "avada kadavra" is actually Aramaic for, "let the thing be destroyed," originally meant to heal, as in, "let the illness be destroyed." It's also the etymological source of, "abracadabra," which Da-da guesses you already suspected; alas, the abracadabra curse can only make rabbits disappear and reappear. Of course, one might seriously need to consider the skeletal remains.]

Oops. Looks like someone used abracadabra again.

Of course, Viagra-maker Pfizer is now working 24/7 to copyright, "LEVIDORKUS."

23.7.13

Da-da's Top Ten Baby Names for a Postmodern Royal Evening

Everybody say, "Yay." Ok, you can stop, now.

Since Kate Middleton just called, Da-da dug out his old list of TOP SECRET baby names that ju-uust missed the cut at Chez Da-da because of certain short-sighted X-chromosome wielders (though she did agree to, "Bronko," and "Nagurski," hello?). So, Kate, here they are, Da-da's Top Ten first and middle names for boys and girls who may or may not wind up as Bond villians, Addams Family relatives, or Royal potentates. When evaluating, it helps to actually yell these names across the manor lawn, or down a huge echo-y hallway. These are in no certain order. Oh, and Kate, it's important for the servants to get some sleep.

Btw, just put, "His Royal Highness..." before each name to sound it out.

BOY NAMES (first + middle)

Yukon Cornelius
Crash Malloy
Blofeld McGuffin
Scaramanga Receptacle
Dack Hellebore
Bosphorous Clink
Spicer Lorch
Katanga Yogi-pants
Giotto Tarpon
Mister BIG

Wow. Makes Da-da wanna have ten more kids, which should tell you a lot about how deeply Da-da has slid into his own giant tank of glowing alien chili. And now, without further ado...

GIRL NAMES (first + middle)

Ten Diadem
Clytemnestra Tentacle
Marley Bone
Galaxia Blueberry
Pippi Dimentia
Francesca Effluvium
Lulu Attack
Daisy Boo
Tuesday Fisher
Dakota Bear!

Hm, they do sound a bit like Addams Family relatives, Edward Gorey creations or ice cream flavors, so it's probably a good thing Da-da only had boys.

Spooky, but attentive. Clytemnestra, stop using PSI to make Da-da butter his head.

22.7.13

SOLVED: In What Hogwarts House Does the Doubtful Guest Belong?

20.7.13

Scenes From Da-da's Mind-Roasting Summer

Some road trips are like that.

19.7.13

The One Where Da-da Shows How to Defeat Drones

Well, little drones.

NOTE: The following is for entertainment and informational purposes only. Da-da isn't suggesting you break any laws or do anything that would hurt anyone. You read these words taking full responsibility for your own actions, you scion of a silly person.

Anyway, for those plagued with drones operating without identification or warrant, Da-da has two suggestions: boomerangs and bolas.

How to make a bola.

Typical hovering-type drones employ highly frangible plastic rotors. Even a well-thrown Frisbee, football or baseball -- or a weighted fishing net -- would take one out. All you need is someone with half-decent hand-eye coordination to whack one out of the air. You'll want to practice aiming and throwing a bit beforehand, as well as warn people before you start hurling. Note that other people will probably pick up the gauntlet after it lands and try their own hands, so get ready to duck.

Please also note that you shouldn't use a hunting boomarang like the one below while around crowds, as they're too sharp and could hurt someone. Da-da's hunting boomerangs (that he uses for non-hunting boomerangingness) typically stick in the ground like flying knives upon return. The triskelion boomarang and bolas above are much safer to use, in Da-da's humble opinion. However, the hunting ones go faster and farther, and are easier to aim, so they might work better over open ground where people aren't in danger of being hit.

Finally, please note that these are much better options than shooting at drones with guns. Shooting at drones, or in the air in general, is both illegal and highly dangerous, as the bullet comes down with the same force with which it went up, and could kill or injure someone.

Really, the best way to defeat drones is via anti-drone legislation. But a way to rid the skies of big drones is with thousands and thousands of little drones. Or a million mylar balloons; just pick them all up when you're finished.

Da-da's EDUCATION CONFIDENTIAL

Da-da loves teachers and professors and librarians and really anyone who teaches or leads other people toward being better people without objects of torture (like violins and oboe lessons). Anyway, Da-da ran into his oldest son Nagurski's former first grade teacher, Ms. Silver (not her real name), and asked her why the school year now starts so early. When Da-da was a kid, back before hydrogen had fused into helium, school started after the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon (which is sadly now gone, perhaps rightfully so: Jerry's un-PC-like behavior was getting rather embarrassing).

Ms. Silver, a 30-year teaching veteran, explained that the school year starts earlier now so kids have extra time to be prepped on taking the federal education tests they have to take every year -- even years when the test doesn't count toward the school's score, as those grades have to be blooded to the test.

So Da-da asked if this was a U.S. Dept. of Education thing. Ms. Silver said no.

"It's Pearson," she said, "the company that makes the test. They have everyone in every administration convinced that standardized testing is the only way to teach kids, so now most untenured teachers are forced to, 'teach to the test,' or they lose their jobs. Administrations won't even let us talk about it openly."

Pearson made over $10B last year.

Needless to say, this is creating one hellaciously underprepared and poorly educated wave of kids after another, hitting colleges and the workforce, year after year. Then you add in the distractions of texting and Facebook and Twitter and video games and the Pandora's Box internet, showing and distracting them with every kind of sensationalistic horror in existence. These kids will be your doctors and pilots and bridge builders and politicians and are you getting nervous, yet?

Sorry, Pearson, but we don't need your FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) anymore. Go prey on some other demographic. Might Da-da suggest affiliate news departments?

All two easy.

18.7.13

What's Wrong, Charlie Brown?

Um... you might want to buckle up, Linus.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Da-da finally got that new kid-proof front door installed... which might explain why Da-da isn't getting out much.

17.7.13

Fall Comes Early and Drinks All Day

For the third year in a row, Da-da's trees started changing color on July 1st. Da-da has noticed pre-autumn leaves on both the East and West Coasts of the U.S. Anyone international readers having similar observations? Da-da's pet theory is that, since the sun's output has lessened so dramatically over the past 20 years, deciduous trees are indicating an onset of global cooling -- however, this could be regional. Global climate change will feature both hotter hots and colder colds. We'll have to wait and see.

16.7.13

A Rare Re-Post: Massive Oil Discovery Puts Saudi’s Into a Panic

Buh bye OPEC.

This is just delicious -- SO delicious, Da-da has to repost -- esp. since the U.S. media is completely ignoring it.

This Massive Discovery Has Put The Saudi’s Into a Panic

By Money Morning Staff Reports
It's the biggest find in 50 years and the media is completely ignoring it...

It is 6 times larger than the Bakken, 17 times the size of the Marcellus formation, and 80 times larger than the Eagle Ford shale.

All told what was recently discovered outside a sleepy Australian town contains more black gold more than in all of in Iran, Iraq, Canada, or Venezuela.

With current estimates at 233 billion barrels its just 30 billion shy of the estimated reserves in all of Saudi Arabia.

According to one renowned international expert, this massive discovery could eventually dwarf the oil rich kingdom as the original estimates are revised.

An advisor to six of the top 10 oil producers and active consultant to 20 world governments, Dr. Kent Moors now believes the find, "may land at 300 or 400 billion barrels," making it one of "the greatest unconventional oil discoveries any of us will see in our lifetimes."

"It's represents a bona fide redrawing of the global energy map as we know it," Moors says, "and the mainstream media is completely ignoring it."

Where the Hell is Coober Pedy?

But to people who call this place home, the oncoming oil boom means nothing will ever be the same ($20 trillion worth of oil can do that to a town).

It's centered around a place called Coober Pedy, an inhospitable speck on the map in Southern Australia.

Founded in 1915, Coober Pedy had long been the home to a scarce 1700 people who lived in residences literally carved out in its caves.

Now another 20,000 people have suddenly flocked there, making it one of the hottest real estate markets in all of Australia.

Considering the conditions the sudden stampede is remarkable - there's little to no water and temperatures routinely reach above 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

While it's obviously still just the beginning, Coober Pedy real estate agent Di Enders says her phone has been ringing off the hook since the news broke.

"I've had so many calls, you wouldn't believe it," she says. "My brain is about to explode."

"People renting don't want to surrender their houses, they know they won't get another one," she says.

The big draw is the riches about to be pulled out of a vast geological structure called the Arckaringa basin.

Encompassing an area in excess of 30,000 square miles, what's buried within the basin is enough black gold to completely change the global oil landscape-not to mention the lives early investors.

Analysts now believe ground zero will be much like is was in Saudi Arabia in the 1950's.

And according to the inner circle briefing below by Dr. Moors, there's one little company that controls the whole thing.

And since Arckaringa footprint will be beyond extensive, hundreds of wells, massive infrastructure networks, gathering systems, pipelines, processing facilities and support services will vital.

The Death Knell for OPEC

The massive find has been likened to the Bakken and Eagle Ford shale oil projects in the US, which have created legitimate boom times in Texas and North Dakota.

The outflows from these areas have been so big they have given way to predictions that the US could overtake Saudi Arabia as the world's largest oil producer as soon as this year.

Even at the lowest estimate, the Coober Pedy fins is set to make Australia a net oil exporter; at the higher estimate, Australia would become one of the world's biggest oil exporters.

"What we're seeing up there is a very, very big deposit," says South Australia's mining minister, Tom Koutsantonis, "If the reserves and the pressure was right over millions of years and the rocks have done the things they think they've done, they think they can extract vast reserves of oil out of South Australia which would have a value of about $20 trillion."

Dependence on OPEC's crude is already slipping as the U.S. and Canada unlock unconventional oil supplies from deep underground shale deposits with new drilling techniques.

Now there's even more completion bubbling up from "Down Under."

Given all of the trouble in the Middle East, the Saudi's have good reason to be alarmed.

LINK

Now Playing @ Da-da's Drive-In

15.7.13

LOOK What Your Kid Did

O the self-righteousness of the wounded unicorn owner.

Is THAT Your Kid?

"Abe, is that your kid up there with the chicken and shock absorbers?"
"Fascinating."

Is That YOUR Kid??

"Do you have any idea how much it costs to repaint a llama?"

13.7.13

Happy Bastille Day

Here's wishing everyone a Happy Bastille Day, and hoping all our Bastilles one day fall.
But first, the antenna in Da-da's head is making him crave croissants!

11.7.13

That Thursday Night Look of Parenthood

Non-sequitur Thursday

10.7.13

What ALL Law Enforcement Needs: The Andy Griffith Police Training Academy [UPDATED]

Many of you are too young to have seen, "The Andy Griffith Show." It was a sitcom about a friendly small-town sheriff/widower with a little boy, a plump aunt, and a bumbling deputy. The sheriff never carried a gun (except for one episode with an escaped convict); however, his deputy, played by Don Knotts, did carry a gun but only had one bullet, which he was forever losing.

This is a foreign concept these days with law enforcement, even in Da-da's hick town. GONE is the concept of the "Peace Officer." Why is that?

At the recent 4th of July parade in Da-da's small town, a motorcycle cop was driving up and down the street just prior to the parade; the street was blocked off and people were excited (why?) about watching the same dumb parade they always watch, but this time the motorcycle cop was growling, "Outta the way!" instead of, "please move to the curb." [He has since been fired.]

This is not peace.

So... Humanity 101. Go through life one of two ways: either everyone's your friend, or no one is.

The former is a helluva lot cheaper and more enjoyable, and people tend to smile and buy you coffee a lot. Oh, and you stand a much greater chance of SURVIVAL.

AND DONUTS. We won't even talk about all the donuts you'll get.

All police, their supervisors, and elected officials, should have to attend, "The Andy Griffith Police Academy." At The Andy Griffith Police Academy, cadets will learn to:

Be polite
Be friendly
Be helpful
Be neighborly
Be non-threatening.

And above all...

KEEP THE PEACE... via all the above.

Here, look at that word, again:

PEACE

La la la.

Remember PEACE? Of course you don't. It hasn't existed on the Godforsaken planet for 16,000 years. (PSSST... IT'S AWESOME.) Besides being our natural state, PEACE is like sleeping on freshly mown grass (in a green outfit so you don't have to worry about grass stains) on a hill under a tree about a zillion years before humans and monstrous animals and bugs showed up. You know, big puffy white-cloud blue-sky cool-breeze full-belly PEACE.

Growing up, the police in Da-da's hometown were called, "peace officers." Da-da knows that the world appears to be more dangerous than it used to -- on TV and in movies, which is mostly fake -- but the reality is that all major crimes are way down, statistically. WE THE PEOPLE are more peaceful. So, why can't the police mirror reality and follow suit? Like the guy in, "Raising Arizona" said, you're just hurting yourselves with this rambunctious behavior. Our governments want us afraid so we're easier to control. [Ask George Soros, the guy who's driving much of this.]

Either way, the police in Da-da's town are scaring Da-da more than alleged gun-toting yahoos the media wants us to see everywhere. Really, the only aggressive gun-toting yahoos Da-da sees these days are the police.

This is not peace pumpkin spray.

We the civilian majority just blink and wonder why the police feel they need tanks. Da-da's guessing it's because they're afraid; fearful people buy tanks; fearful governments fear their people. The core fear is probably due to someone higher up feeling guilty about something they think they've done wrong, something they know we're going to catch them doing, because they feel they deserve to be caught.

NEWSFLASH: you're catching yourselves. The President's silly new 1984-ish internal spy policies are going to make that worse: the greater the pressure, the greater the need for release. Worldwide and at home, more and more Americans affiliated with the government are walking around armed to the teeth -- or are portrayed as such. They're simply afraid and feeling guilty, or their bosses are.

So... come clean. Tell the truth. You'll carry a lot less weight. Stop using your consituents for revenue generation and be officers of peace.

In the meantime, police and government agents should either have to attend the Andy Griffith Police Academy, to learn how to use everything BUT force in all situations, or simply watch a few hundred reruns of, "The Andy Griffith Show." Are you really going to draw-down on Aunt Bea? Shoot Goober? Arrest Opie for riding his bike in the crosswalk? Pepper spray Floyd the Barber for being Floyd the Barber? He'd probably like that.

Recently, the ACLU launched a nationwide police militarization investigation, wondering why and how. Da-da would like to know, too.

The whole, "us" vs. "them" mentality has gotta stop. You are us. There is no them.

UPDATE (1-5-16) WashPost: "Police fatally shoot nearly 1000 civilians in 2015."

SCENES FROM DA-DA'S MIND-ROASTING SUMMER in 4-D. Hurry, It Might Already Be Over.

Soon to be a major motion picture. Or a minor one. Or maybe a t-shirt. Or a doorstop.

8.7.13

The Ant Test: Margarine vs. Butter

In response to today's Guardian story re: margarine vs. butter, Da-da offers
the above visual evidence. Guess Julia Child was right.

6.7.13

Try to Pay Attention...

[via TIH]

...to situations where kids should be smiling, but aren't. Otherwise...

...kids can be scarred for life...

...and end up like their parents...

...or worse.

The Watcheroos ARE HERE

The Watcheroos! Spy on loved ones! Subvert state and federal laws! Poopoo the Constitution!

Hey, kids! The Watcheroos are here! Available in NSA, CIA, FBI, DHS and White House flack flavors! Collect 'em all and TRY to tell the difference! Spy on loved ones! Subvert state and federal laws! Poopoo the Constitution! Be your own worst enemy! Get 'em while supplies last, or until the Motherships arrive. Just in time for Halloween costume pre-game planning.