Martha Stewart INCARCERATED

Yeah. Martha LOVES Da-da. Really.

Martha Stewart called Da-da yesterday -- the Marthaman SO loves Da-da -- and talked about how she'd been reminiscing about her short-lived prison life. Then it hit her: given the ever-increasing prison populations worldwide, she decided to create a new lifestyle magazine for 2012 (with her favorite nonsensate corporation, AcmeVaporware) for all her felon homies back in cell block D! Advertisers are already lining up for the new monthly publication to be entitled, predictably, Martha Stewart INCARCERATED. Here's the awesome press release:

NEW YORK, NY – January 12, 2012 –  AcmeVaporware and Martha Stewart today announced the formation of a new Martha Stewart print marketing vehicle to be called, Martha Stewart INCARCERATED –- Make Better Time of Your Time. The announcement was made before a good-natured bank holiday crowd of wardens and freshly handcuffed executives trying to keep those TARP-fueled smirks under control.

"Martha Stewart INCARCERATED is for all millionaire and billionaire and high-level execs behind bars -- as well as those soon-to-be-felons -- and really anyone destined for the klink because of misunderstood illegal activities,” said Martha Stewart, clearly having some flashbacks on a dais surrounded by police and media. "Martha Stewart INCARCERATED will bring these misunderstood wretches -- near-honest folks paying their debt to society, or paying it forward -- some combination of luxury and solace, reminding them that they are only 18-240 months away from again living like top-of-the-pyramid Pharaohs. Yes, to these noble felons I dedicate a whole new PLUSH level of prison lifestyle, dedicated to making a better life behind bars."

AcmeVaporware defendant/CEO Dr. John Smallberries displayed the cover of the inaugural first issue: a resplendent sea of pink and salmon in which floated smiling faces of sundry felonious politicians and corporate executives below the feature’s title: "We Wear the Chains We Forged in Life." Below that was an inset photo of Presidential candidates phonetically reading a copy of Dr. Smallberries’ latest book, Prison for Dummies.

Exciting NEW Martha Stewart INCARCERATED Sections

Ask In-mate #34278666 (Martha)
      - "We're all innocent..."

Penitentiary Planner
      - Don't forget the warden’s birthday!

Living
      - Packing contraband in your "can"
      - Avoiding "bedroom eyes" in the shower
      - Bars can also be on the inside
      - Solitary doesn’t have to mean single!

Features
      - Top 10 Prison Escapes
      - Forced Labor: The good ol' days?
      - Stirred, but not shaken

Entertaining
      - Top 10 road-gang trips
      - Using compact mirrors to say, "Hello!"
      - Prison: It's just like camping!

Decorating
     - Top 10 neatest bunks EVER!
     - Hood Things: Tips from the "pros"
     - Top 10 tips for re-organizing a "tossed cell"
     - Do-it-yourself tattoos don't have to be a pain!

Fashion
    - Top 10 fashion "do's" for a successful parole
    - New colors for fall: You look FABULOUS in orange & light green!
    - Will the warden let you wear lamé?

Gardening
    - Top 10 plants that don't need the sun
    - Turning that pesky commode into a springtime-fresh vase
    - Human waste: fertilizer of the gods

Movie "Date" Night
    - Papillon
    - Shawshank Redemption
    - Kiss of the Spider Woman

Festivities
    - Prison Weddings: Tying the Knot WITHOUT Dropping the Soap!
    - What to do about your new "special friend"   
    - Begging for mercy: It works!

Crafts
    - Making that perfect shiv
    - Human hair pot holders
    - Paint-by-numbers with blood (And not just your own!)

Cooking
    - Capone Corner: In-cell welding
    - A Prison Tradition: Baking files into cakes!
    - Fresh fish! Fresh fish!

Collecting
    - Smokes! De facto moolah
    - Wardens' favorite "rock" candy   
    - Insects you can train!

Of course, K-Mart will be sponsoring a special section inspired by their “Blue Light Specials,” called, “Searchlight Specials,” security/prison guards with Nerf guns, etc. Da-da can't wait to have enough energy to commit some whitecollar crimes. No, really. There are so many insects Da-da wants to train.

"Solitary confinement can often be quite therapeutic."