|Yeah. Martha LOVES Da-da. Really.|
NEW YORK, NY – January 12, 2012 – AcmeVaporware and Martha Stewart today announced the formation of a new Martha Stewart print marketing vehicle to be called, Martha Stewart INCARCERATED –- Make Better Time of Your Time. The announcement was made before a good-natured bank holiday crowd of wardens and freshly handcuffed executives trying to keep those TARP-fueled smirks under control.
"Martha Stewart INCARCERATED is for all millionaire and billionaire and high-level execs behind bars -- as well as those soon-to-be-felons -- and really anyone destined for the klink because of misunderstood illegal activities,” said Martha Stewart, clearly having some flashbacks on a dais surrounded by police and media. "Martha Stewart INCARCERATED will bring these misunderstood wretches -- near-honest folks paying their debt to society, or paying it forward -- some combination of luxury and solace, reminding them that they are only 18-240 months away from again living like top-of-the-pyramid Pharaohs. Yes, to these noble felons I dedicate a whole new PLUSH level of prison lifestyle, dedicated to making a better life behind bars."
AcmeVaporware defendant/CEO Dr. John Smallberries displayed the cover of the inaugural first issue: a resplendent sea of pink and salmon in which floated smiling faces of sundry felonious politicians and corporate executives below the feature’s title: "We Wear the Chains We Forged in Life." Below that was an inset photo of Presidential candidates phonetically reading a copy of Dr. Smallberries’ latest book, Prison for Dummies.
Exciting NEW Martha Stewart INCARCERATED Sections
Ask In-mate #34278666 (Martha)
- "We're all innocent..."
- Don't forget the warden’s birthday!
- Packing contraband in your "can"
- Avoiding "bedroom eyes" in the shower
- Bars can also be on the inside
- Solitary doesn’t have to mean single!
- Top 10 Prison Escapes
- Forced Labor: The good ol' days?
- Stirred, but not shaken
- Top 10 road-gang trips
- Using compact mirrors to say, "Hello!"
- Prison: It's just like camping!
- Top 10 neatest bunks EVER!
- Hood Things: Tips from the "pros"
- Top 10 tips for re-organizing a "tossed cell"
- Do-it-yourself tattoos don't have to be a pain!
- Top 10 fashion "do's" for a successful parole
- New colors for fall: You look FABULOUS in orange & light green!
- Will the warden let you wear lamé?
- Top 10 plants that don't need the sun
- Turning that pesky commode into a springtime-fresh vase
- Human waste: fertilizer of the gods
Movie "Date" Night
- Shawshank Redemption
- Kiss of the Spider Woman
- Prison Weddings: Tying the Knot WITHOUT Dropping the Soap!
- What to do about your new "special friend"
- Begging for mercy: It works!
- Making that perfect shiv
- Human hair pot holders
- Paint-by-numbers with blood (And not just your own!)
- Capone Corner: In-cell welding
- A Prison Tradition: Baking files into cakes!
- Fresh fish! Fresh fish!
- Smokes! De facto moolah
- Wardens' favorite "rock" candy
- Insects you can train!
Of course, K-Mart will be sponsoring a special section inspired by their “Blue Light Specials,” called, “Searchlight Specials,” security/prison guards with Nerf guns, etc. Da-da can't wait to have enough energy to commit some whitecollar crimes. No, really. There are so many insects Da-da wants to train.
|"Solitary confinement can often be quite therapeutic."|