Godzilla in Your Bed

Great. Now my bed is killing me. Thanks.

Turns out researchers curious about breast cancer rates being 10% higher on women's right sides discovered that our box springs may act as RF amplifiers, snagging FM and TV transmissions.
The research, carried out by Hallberg Independent Research and the Karolinska Institute, both in Sweden, attempts to correlate the fact that most people tend to sleep on their right side and that the length of a box spring mattress in America is exactly the right length to make it act as an amplifier for FM and TV waves.

"Thus, as we sleep on our coil-spring mattresses, we are in effect sleeping on an antenna that amplifies the intensity of the broadcast FM/TV radiation," writes Scientific American. "Asleep on these antennas, our bodies are exposed to the amplified electromagnetic radiation for a third of our life spans." The radiation would be the strongest almost a meter above the surface of the box spring, which would mean that the side of your body that you're not sleeping on would get hit the hardest. In most cases, that'd be your left.
This would explain why there's no right/left cancer correlation with Japanese breast cancer: they sleep on FUTONS, duh. And I foolishly sold my college concrete variant for a brobdingnagian Victorian REGENT Cal King VIBRATOWONDERBED. No wonder I wake up with that special glow in the morning.

[from Scientific American

Now, wearing my physics hat for a moment (ow, it burns), isn't it possible to negate the field that the springs generate by simply grounding the springs? Just wire them together and plug them into the central screw of any A/C outlet. Or you could also change their geometry, messing up their "tuning." I'll try a few things and get back to you. If I vibrate off this plane of existence, it's been unreal: giant smooches!

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