Ug, Da-da Broke Rule #2

Rule #2 of course is never get involved in a land war in Asia, so instead, Da-da has invaded all countries on earth (even Vatican City, shh) and installed high energy casino plasma dispensers in all the bathrooms. Seriously, Rule #2 is...

RULE #2: NEVER WRITE WHEN YOU HAVE
A HIGH FEVER

Sound advice, especially when Da-da's fever is currently... ah, 104. Ooch. Please see Rule #1 if you haven't already, but Da-da's gotta tell you he's liking that casino plasma thing, except for the casino part. Alas, Da-da feels like William H. Macy in casinos. Uh oh... fever's inducing Da-da's telekinetic powers to spool up. Um, everyone... run.

Jinkies. Da-da's pretty in red.

Ug, Da-da Broke Rule #1

Arrrrg.

Yes, Da-da broke Rule #1 of his lengthy micro-tome, "Apocalypse Parenting Rules for the Severly Kid-laden." To whit:

RULE #1: DON'T EAT LEFTOVER KID FOOD. EVER.

Yes. Leftover kid food. Besides being the yummy adult equivalent of somatic lead (read PURE FAT), half-eaten leftover kid food -- when not burned by the CDC in Atlanta -- is highly contagious, especially after school has started.

Da-da knows this. He knows that when you eat leftover kid food (um, from your kid's plate, because you feel guilty wasting it), you're basically eating the Swiss Family Robinson of Disease Vectors, all current kid maladies fluxing through area elementary schools in one toxic bite. Ah, but what you may have forgotten is that Da-da's brain has been missing for years and is still at large ("large" being a polite descriptor), so he mistakenly broke RULE #1 last night, tempted by those awful goddamn little chicken dinosaurs that contain opium and a mind-altering substance that makes you not only eat them but crave them, even if they're nine days old and lying in radioactive mud, yielding aches and pains and truly epic run-on sentences. Opium kills germs, right? Oh, the kid-laden humanity.

Wanna bet?