The Whammy Man (aka, MONKEYS CHIMPANZEES)

Long ago, as a favor to a former relative (long story), I agreed to take her kid... somewhere, I can't remember. I'd just managed to strap the four-year-old hellion into her Apollo 2 car seat -- and finally figured out how to start the damned car (an early Volvo w/key-start in the trunk) -- when the car stereo started BLARING a Cher CD: "Gypsies,Tramps, and Thieves." 

 

Normally, I'd have nuked the car from orbit (it's the only way to be sure), but then the kid in the backseat started singing her guts out, lyrics she was making up at the top of her lungs. I found myself paralyzed in fascination of the abomination before I scrambled for a pen and paper to write down what she was singing. It went something like this:

Born in a baggin of a baggeninbow

Baba put the pants on the bunny's no-no

Baba could poo whatever he could!

Bet a little monsta

Betta little monsta with baba poo...

[Chorus:]

MONKEYS, CHIMPANZEES!

We hear it from the people in the town

They call us... MONKEYS, CHIMPANZEES!

And every night all the men would come around

And lay the monkey down.

By that time I'd stopped breathing I was laughing so hard. If I'd had a modern phone (this was before smart phones), I would've recorded her act and she'd be an Internet pop sensation with more hits than that "fox sound" guy. So, why do I bring this up?

WHAMMIES, aka, "ear worms." Like when I was on the school bus getting beaten by bullies to the Bee Gees', "More Than a Woman." After that, you might really hate that song if you ever heard it again, thus for me it became: "Bald Headed Womaaaan! Bald Headed Woman to MEEEE!!" Anyway, whammy songs aren't technically bad, they're just catchy with an endless loop in there somewhere.

So, what are the worst whammies of all time? Most "modern" music is so repetitive as to be classified industrial noise; whabbling shopping cart wheels make better music. But if I were forced at gunpoint to make a list of the Top XX worst whammies? 

 

Here ya go:

Da-da's Top XX Worst Whammy Songs (in no order)

• Nearly everything written by "Paul McCartney" (#2, who is, in fact, The Whammy Man)
  • "Band on the Run"
  • "Jet"
  • "Live and Let Die"
  • "Glands Across the Water," etc.
• "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
• "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi (you wanna throw a hammer at Bon Bon at each key change)
• "Thriller" by Michael Jackson
• "Wake Me Up Before You Go-go," by WHAM (why does this song exist?)
• "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" by Burt Bacharach
• "Dancing Queen" by ABBA
• "Kissed by a Rose" by Seal
• "Macarena" by Who Cares?
• Most anything by the Bee Gees
• "Time Warp" by Rocky Horror Picture Show
• "Willowcrest" by the Buddy Rich Big Band
• And yes... the theme from "It's a Small World" (back in the '80s, Disney supervisors used to make you work SMALL WORLD as punishment for various transgressions; today they just induce sex change).

For the holidays we have these looping horrors:

• Paul McCartney's, "A Wonderful Christmas Time"
• Jose Feliciano's, "Feliz Navidad"
• Andy Williams, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

CURE for THE WHAMMY

You can rid yourself of the embedded whammy simply by listening to the song all the way through till it ends. ONLY THEN have you proven to your mind that the song WILL END. One day. But if you can't get rid of the whammy, MAKE FUN OF IT like that little kid in the back seat:

"MONKEYS, CHIMPANZEES...!"

NOTES:

X. I reviewed some Internet sites purportedly listing the 'worst ear worms of all time, and 'the worst songs of all time' and sadly for them and the artists listed, I'D NOT HEARD OF ANY OF THEM. And I don't want to. Being old is its own reward.

Y. The #1 French WHAMMY is apparently this song?? Whatever.

Z. Wait... after reviewing said lists... THIS is the Worst Song of All Time: "What Does the Fox Say?" Then again, it made me laugh it was so stupid, so perhaps it doesn't deserve that title... or maybe it does. Yeah, it does.

Full Da-da Jacket

At least it's snowing in Da-da's mind... which explains a lot.

Da-da loves jackets. He loves coats. He loves snowsuits. He loves storms. He must have ten coats and jackets and snowsuits and stormgear in all manner of protective awesomeness -- outerwear that hangs in Da-da's closet majestically, one of the few things he's actually hung up properly (according to the female part of the marriage equation). Nonetheless, it's READY for that howling blizzard in the snowcat, or that hurricane stint in the lighthouse off deadman's point, or available 24/7 for that impossible mission through iimpossible odds and elements. Alas, there's no weather where Da-da lives [sniff]. None. IT'S NEVER COLD where Da-da lives, nor does the wind blow more than maybe two days a year. There's no interesting weather at all. No snow. No tornadoes. No terrifying storm surge. No bleedingly cold arctic blasts to suck all the heat from Da-da's overheated bones... nothing, intercourse the penguin.

Da-da's body was built for subzero temperatures: cutting wind, freezing rain, sleet stuck in your sclera, etc., you get the idea. Da-da is HOT, goddamit. He has hair on his chest -- not in a Nicholas Cage "Valley Girl" heart configuration kinda way -- we're talking manly, animalistic grizzly hair. Ok, Da-da just grossed himself out. He's actually not that hirsute (not like Cousin Bieber and the Bieberites, brrr). But as you may have gathered, he has hair and muscle and blood and bulk (yes, and that terrifying steeeely eye) enough to cause any draft board make him into a sergeant on the spot... which would work if he weren't already A MAJOR DISASTER. Salute when you say that, Corporal Timmy.

Anyway, Da-da loathes where he lives (he won't say where), as it's just not cold enough for Da-da's liking, certainly never cold enough to wear any of his smokin' jackets (the one with Cher on it is SOOO awesome, but not nearly as awesome as his Native American PAINTED ROCKSTAR KISS guy jacket, whoa). Besides the lack of cold weather (or any weather), there are also no decent delis, no Greek food. (No falafel!) No decent Chicago deep-dish pizza to speak of. One bar that serves $20 martinis (olives optional). Worse than that, there are only two jews and one gay man within 50 miles -- and they're the same guy! -- so there's hardly anyone funny to converse with. (Sorry, gay folks and jews are funnier than regular people. No idea why. Sure, CHAD, Protestant Rotarians ARE a little funny, but not in the way you might think.) Jeez, what was Da-da bitching about again? He's not sure, but he'd clearly be happier in a chilly adjacent universe with 99% employment and 2-D movies and phones that ring on the wall and funny smart wry people who read actual books while sipping $1 glasses of high quality single malt scotch in bars that give away deep dish pizza and falafel just for drinking there... you know, the Full Da-da Jacket. Straight, no chaser. Wait... Da-da's crew is here. So long, everyone!

Da-da and friends are heading out for a drink and a nosh in the 8th dimension!