Hooray! It's Colonel Petrov Day!

This man is most likely the reason you exist right now.

Seriously. Hooray. 33 years ago today, this nice man -- Colonel Petrov -- was hunkered in the bunker, the lone officer in charge of the (former) Soviet Union's ICBM Early Warning System for a given sector. On that day, said system was rigged by the cabal to suddenly alarm and show five American ICBMs inbound. Why? To start WWIII, the cabal's dream.

Rather than fully commit his missiles to a retaliatory strike, Col. Petrov had a "funny feeling" (he told the WashPost back in '99 when it didn't suck so much) that something wasn't quite right. Needless to say, it was just a false-positive computer glitch, and Col. Petrov did NOT launch his missiles, and by failing to do so he saved YOUR BACON, and that of the world, from nuclear annihilation -- and THAT is why today is Col. Petrov Day, living proof that you don't need gigantic superhero muscles or a fancy suit or stupid mask and cape to save the world.

Vodka and Soviet-era non-stick shovels for everyone!

Mmmm.. shovel eggs...