9.3.14

Da-da's TOP 11 Harry Potter Alternate Universe Plot Outcomes (UPDATED)


Dark Hermione -- who looks just like Dark Willow -- doesn't NEED a wand...

J. K. Rowling, whom Da-da admires and has nothing but respect and admiration for, has mentioned on different occasions what the future holds for each of her characters -- but has, alas, ended the Harry Potter series (despite all of Da-da's excellent suggestions about opening up the sequel universe). What she doesn't realize is that Da-da's gonna mention these anyway... which her attorneys will invariably interpret in one way or another. Just reference your handy MULTIVERSE OF THE OMNIVERSE charts if you get lost. Ready, Skippy?

[jazz hands; cue announcer]


Da-da's TOP 11 Alternate Universe Plot Outcomes
for Harry Potter and Friends



#11. Universe A972
  1. After Voldemort's death, Harry and Ron become aurors, live together and... well. They come out of the closet. C'mon, they've been sleeping next to one another for 10+ years.
  2. Once she finds out, Hermione shoots Ron, goes crazy, and becomes the next Voldemort.
  3. Harry, who's had enough of this crap, leaves to raise dragons in Albania with Charlie, who's quite stylish and has a pony tail and earring (not that there's anything wrong with that).
  4. Fred comes back as a ghost and joins George at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
  5. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket, and is also SuperGay.
  6. Ginny drinks too much, starts wearing leather, gets really interesting and makes for Albania. (You see where the sequels go, now, right?)
  7. All are eventually killed by the now insane Dark Lord Hermione Granger (played by Alyson Hannigan), who fails to kill Harry and Ginny's daughter... who just happened to be conceived after an awkward night of... well, you get the idea.
  8. This starts the whole thing all over again with, "The Girl Who Lived," except...
  9. Dark Hermione wins because she's a million times smarter than Lord Voldemort.
  10. Dark Hermione becomes an int'l sensation and eventually, pan-galactic overlord, spreading dark magic throughout the universe (specifically, to DARPA's Project LookingGlass Universe Routing Designation Number A972).
  11. Attorneys rejoice.


Why am I wearing this t-shirt in the afterlife and so this is how the world looks without glasses.

10. Universe A2
  1. Harry takes the "A" Train at King's Cross Station/Heaven Adjunct, leaving everyone behind.
  2. Voldemort and his followers destroy Hogwarts and rule the world.
  3. Harry's spirit is seen occasionally trying to say something like, "I can see your house from here," but no one can understand what he's saying.





9. Universe A973
  1. After Voldemort's death, Harry and Ron and Hermione become aurors, grow their hair long, buy a Volkswagon, and live together like proper magic hippies.
  2. They get involved in DOOB rings (dope and ouija boards) and GET IN TOO DEEP.
  3. Hermione Granger shoots Ron Weasley during one intense session...
  4. ...misses and hits Harry.
  5. Merely winged, Harry survives, in a wry sort of way, and magically marries all of them to Ginny and Luna and Neville, forming a sort of 1970-ish magical commune.
  6. Eight years later, Harry gets a haircut and starts a computer company with Neville.
  7. Hermione and Ginny and Ron become aurors, grow their hair longer and all live together.
  8. Doped and misguided and bored, they successfully raise Voldemort from the dead, only he looks like Bill Gates and is 10X more annoying.
  9. They start their own computer company to rival Harry's. 
  10. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket, as well as a hacker, and injects a magical virus into the net.
  11. Each computer company is eventually sued out of existence for magically pouring forth Cthulhu from every computer on the planet, simultaneously either ending the world, or making it so annoying that no one can stand to live in it anymore.
  12. Ball peen hammer sales explode.
  13. Attorneys rejoice.


Life is like a box of chocolate frogs.

8. Universe G47
  1. After Voldemort's death, Harry -- tired of magic -- gets a job as a landscaper for the Ministry of Magic and cuts magic grass all day long on one of those magic riding mowers, spring and summer, rakes magic leaves fall and winter... and he's very happy in his crummy apartment/tool shed.
  2. Ginny becomes a Quidditch Superstar and ditches perceived-loser Harry for any number of witches and wizards, gets loaded every night and starts a long downward spiral.
  3. Harry rides his mower, cuts grass and thinks, cuts grass and thinks. One day, he hits his head on a low-hanging hawthorne branch that had a phoenix feather lodged within it, the impromptu wand and collision accidently transforming him into a simple-but-complex lawnmowing philosopher.
  4. Ron loses his legs in an auror training accident, leaves Hermione and wallows in booze and self-pity. 
  5. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket.
  6. Nearly unrecognizeable, Harry joins the army, has a number of historical episodes and develops a rather unique speech pattern, eventually winning the Congressional Medal of Honor.
  7. After being discharged, Ron and Harry are reunited, start a shrimp company, corner the market and become billionaires.
  8. Harry sees Ginny one day and they are reunited, but only for one night. Feeling guilty, Ginny slinks off and vanishes.
  9. Heartbroken, Harry starts running back and forth across the country while his beard grows as long as Dumbledore's. He uses a rubber band to keep it together.
  10. Ginny eventually comes to her senses, stops sleeping around, doing drugs and bad magic, gets cleaned up, becomes a magical nurse and has a son whom she names Harry, Jr. 
  11. Harry suddenly stops running and having historical coincidence-adventures and goes home.
  12. Ginny sees Harry on TV and invites him to visit her, where she unveils Harry, Jr.
  13. Suddenly emotional, Harry asks if Harry, Jr. is a wizard or... [gulp] a squib. Ginny says he's a very powerful wizard and is of course in Gryffindor. 
  14. Later, Ginny asks Harry to marry her.
  15. They do and Ginny dies a few months later of mad-wizarding disease she picked up during her wild years, her magical death making birds twitter in trees and the wind blow.
  16. Harry raises little Harry as a single dad, and sends him off to Hogwarts with a box of chocolate frogs and sits at the train station until he returns for winter break.
  17. Attorneys scratch their heads and feel unsatisfied about their soulless muggle lives.



7. Universe SW4 -- A Long Time Ago in a... oh, blah blah blah
  1. After Voldemort's death...oh, never mind.


Top-o-the-world, Voldypants!

6. Universe D119542
  1. Voldemort, a depressive Pakastani man with a mullet and a weakness for karaoke, never amounts to much. He eventually joins a Yul Brenner fan club, dresses all in black, shaves his head, gets a rather eye-watering nose job, and makes his way into show business.
  2. Harry and everyone live and love and are happy.
  3. Bill Watterson never retires and "Calvin and Hobbes" is in its 42nd year. 
  4. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket and opens a magical used book shop.
  5. Attorneys and politicians -- and really anyone who's greedy and self-centered and mean-spirited, basically drunk with money and power and control over others' lives -- are all launched en masse into the sun (which is actually a portal to a nasty dimension where it's cold and dreary 24/7, the donuts are stale and the coffee very very very weak).
  6. NFL owners are imperiused to create not-for-profit leagues with owner-player profit-sharing.
  7. Capitalism is seen as a dead-end and chucked out the airlock.
  8. The Federation and Starfleet Command are created, uniting the world in peace and exploration.
  9. Oil companies become grubby, puny little backwater shops that make only cheap machine oil.
  10. Wizards and muggles alike go where no wizard or muggle has gone before.
  11. Organian Peace Treaty forges intergalactic peace.
  12. Jon Luc Picard decides on a hawthorne wand, 14", supple, unicorn hair core wrapped with earl grey tea leaves. 
  13. Doves and bunnies rejoice.


Ginny Weasley in real life.

5. Universe 7C
  1. Jo Rowling never writes Harry Potter.
  2. She meets a momentarily intriguing Bulgarian BLAGAB insurance salesman -- named DRACO MALFOY, weird huh? -- in an Edinburgh coffee shop. 
  3. He longs to be a novelist, but is sadly talentless.
  4. Enamored of his white hair and eternal snottiness, she marries him at 19.
  5. Draco Malfoy does NOT become Lemony Snicket.
  6. While her husband waxes sullen and distant, half-buried in rejection slips, empty sherry and Clinique bottles, Jo starts on an acting career.
  7. She's eventually cast as the first female Dr. Who (why hasn't anyone thought of this?) and does the show for 53 seasons, eventually creating the landmark role, "Grandma Who?"
  8. Meanwhile, Madonna, still a waitress, gets stiffed by Lady Gaga, also a waitress. They strike up a sullen and distant kind of friendship, half-buried in a pile of food order slips, empty sherry and Clinique bottles.
  9. Attorneys live soulless lives of quiet desperation. 




4. Universe 3XL
  1. After Voldemort's death, Harry becomes a top auror, but he's become unhinged by a tortured life of stress and violence.
  2. He goes rogue, points his .44 magnum elder wand (which he never destroyed) at every wizard and muggle and asks them if they feel lucky. Strangely, none of them do.
  3. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket. 
  4. Harry kills him, muttering, "Who's your protagonist now?"
  5. In the end, Harry becomes disillusioned with the Ministry of Magic and tosses his wand into the ocean, finding his way to Universe G47.



3. Universe XB71
  1. After Voldemort's death -- and after a lifetime of heartbreak, harassment, pain and suffering -- Harry has a complete and utter nervous breakdown. Or does he?
  2. He soon becomes the most famous patient at St. Mungo's Hospital for the Magically Whacked.
  3. Harry befriends an enormous Native American wendigo named, "The Chief."
  4. He then befriends all the zanies, along with Neville's whacked parents.
  5. He convinces the obliviated Professor Lockhart that he's really Voldemort and helps him escape, giggling into the night.
  6. Harry drives Head Nurse Pansy Parkinson insane, but she wins an Academy Award for her performance.
  7. He stages endless after-hours Hogwarts' Alumni shindigs within the hospital, with the help of Fred's ghost and George.
  8. Harry eventually gets caught by Umbridge, who runs the hospital, and is magically lobotomized, "accidently" in a scuffle.
  9. A magical vegetable, Harry is finally euthanized by The Chief, who escapes.
  10. The Chief tracks down and kills Lockhart-Voldemort.
  11. The Chief becomes Hogwarts' Headmaster.
  12. An evil wendigo, he wrestles with his inner demons and nearly eats the entire Hogwarts student body... 
  13. ...but turns vegetarian with the help of Neville, now the Hogwarts Herbology professor.
  14. Everybody laughs.
  15. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket.
  16. Attorneys rejoice.



2. The Last Universe on the Left
  1. Harry and Ron become aurors.
  2. Harry marries Ginny.
  3. Ron marries Hermione.
  4. Hermione becomes Head of Magical Law Enforcement.
  5. Ginny becomes a quidditch superstar, eclipsing Ron with a vengeance.
  6. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket.
  7. Hermione becomes first female Minister of Magic, eclipsing Harry with a vengeance.
  8. Having incarcerated all the Death Eaters, Ron and Harry have nothing to do, so they're left at home with the kids as Stay-at-Home-Dads.
  9. Snape becomes the most famous tragic romantic poet ghost ever.
  10. Fred's ghost and George sell their magical joke shop to a Chinese magical firm and retire with billions of galleons, and use the money to secure the most powerful magical objects in their universe to reform OUR universe into a cosmic joke.
  11. Attorneys rejoice.



1. Universe 19X
  1. Voldy suddenly realizes what he's done, shows remorse at the end, and is not killed by his own curse at Harry.
  2. Instead, he and Harry hug, become lifelong friends.
  3. Voldemort grows a nose, becomes a motivational speaker, and calls himself, "Voldy Hawn."
  4. Harry gives up magic and travels abroad, discovers Shangri La.
  5. Draco Malfoy becomes Lemony Snicket.
  6. Ron and Hermione marry, but it's not the same without Harry, so they split.
  7. Hermione becomes Head of Magical Law Enforcement and later...
  8. First Female Minister of Magic.
  9. Ron becomes a successful video game hologram.
  10. Ginny finds Harry just as he discovers The Unmutable Truth, grabbing him as he dematerializes into...
  11. ... our universe, where he becomes Jesus; Ginny becomes Mary Magdalene.
  12. Harry creates a few "miracles" with his wand.
  13. All of the other Harry Potter characters follow Harry, dematerializing into...
  14. ...our universe, where they see what Harry's doing and become his Apostles.
  15. Voldemort finally follows and dematerializes into...
  16. ...our universe, where he becomes Judas.
  17. He and Harry are best friends.
  18. After a big dinner, Harry asks Voldemort to betray him, so he can demonstrate that the body means nothing, the spirit everything.
  19. Voldemort does this, feels badly afterward, is blamed by all of humanity for nearly all eternity...
  20. ...but eventually journeys into the future, changes his name back to Tom Riddle and opens Tommy's Atomic Burger in Southern California, where he makes amazing chili cheese burgers.
  21. Voldemort is deified as a Chili Cheeseburger god, and finally rules the world.
  22. Lunching attorneys rejoice.


If, by some miracle, Jo Rowling ever reads this post, please accept Da-da's thanks for all you do, AND if you find yourself opening up the Harry Potter canon to other authors (say to flesh out some of the odd and wonderful tomes contained within Hogwarts' library), Da-da has tons of sideways ideas, if not a considerable amount of musically-induced brain damage (one can only play, "New York, New York" so many times before one goes irretrievably mad) and a considerable amount of free parking in his occipital lobe... which doesn't speak much for Da-da's qualifications, but as Gilderoy Lockhardt said, "Celebrity is as celebrity does."

[Note: some of these images were sent to Da-da, but without sources cited. If one of the above images is yours, please let Da-da know so he can credit you. Note2: this piece orig. ran August 8th, 2013, but Da-da removed it for a publication, then put it back up. He's sure you were wondering.] 


                                                                                                                                             [img courtesy fUSION Anomalog]

2 comments:

Straw to Gold said...

That was hilarious and your usual bizarreness. ;-)

A Man Called Da-da said...

Why thank you. Ten points to... whatever house you're in. Da-da would make a nice contribution to Jo Rowling's Harry canon if the door were opened for ancillary magical works. Failing that, Da-da's loading his own canon...

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