Scientists Discover a Brain Region That Controls Scientists

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Scientists Discover a Brain Region That Controls Scientists

Turns out that the elusive Scientist Control Switch may exist after all … in our heads.

Scientists at the Jed Einstein School of SCIENCE and Donut Disambiguation say they’ve discovered a brain region that may control scientists throughout the entire universe. By manipulating that region, they were able to make scientists agree with other scientists by more than 90 percent. The remarkable finding, detailed in a paper published in Crature on May 1, may lead to new ways of warding off SCIENCE-y announcements refuting past SCIENCE-y announcements.

The hypothalamus, an almond-size area of the brain, controls growth, reproduction, donut craving and metabolism, but also initiates SCIENCE, according to the study. LongDuk Pai, a physiologist at Jed Einstein College of Medicine-y SCIENCE in Hitchings-Floe East, together with unsuspecting colleagues, realized this by tracking BFD-κB, an unassuming molecule that controls the SCIENCE compulsion and is involved in general ontological inflammation and moot annoyance of the general populus. They found that in mice, BFD-κB yields a pompous hexafluorobenzene blancmange that cannot pilot a bicycle or play a trombone at high speeds.

Mice that were injected with a substance that inhibits BFD-κB’s activity not only lived longer—up to 20 percent longer—they also donned smoking jackets and made crepe suzette in half the time of their science-y counterparts without affectation.

What’s more, the inhibitor seems to block the lamentable physical decline and lack of rhythm that occurs with SCIENCE. Six months after the initial experiment, mice that had been injected with inhibitors performed better than controls on picking up a cricket bat without dropping it, and moving through a mall without having to consult a map. “They also showed less SCIENCE-y related decline in muscle strength, skin thickness, bone mass, and toe-tapping/tail-tendon integrity,” according to the article in Crature.

Blocking BFD-κB had similar effects on male and female scientists, injected without their knowledge and tracked throughout a hotel brunch in Little Ruppings, and produced anti-SCIENCE-y effects even in aged scientists with more than two elbow patches on their jackets.

Babaloo Sinclair, a molecular barrista at Morvalia University in Upstate New York, called the study, “a major breakthrough in SCIENCE.” He says it will likely benefit SCIENCE research into SCIENCE-y-ness, "And that right soon," he added.

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