Da-da is the Worst... er, Best Intern Ever

-- "Psst, someone upstairs said that Da-da guy would make a great intern."
-- "Stoned again."

Here is Da-da's response to an inquiry from an organization that Da-da will refrain from naming. They wanted Da-da on their staff, for whatever reason, as an unpaid intern. Yes, Da-da couldn't quite believe it either.

To Whom It May Concern:
 
Dear Whom,

Da-da is both flattered and bemused by your kind invitation to make Da-da your intern. This would make him, arguably, the oldest intern ever.

Da-da would love to hates to contradict your kind sentiments, but... well, Da-da is NOT perky. Factually, he is its antithesis: Da-da is the Anti-Perky. Ok, maybe he's perky in a Monday morning cold gray deck wet fish slap lemon juice papercutty NON-PERKY kinda way, but this would require more coffee than you could ever possibly squeeze into your offices.

You are correct in one thing: he is creative, to a fault. And his art direction, design and writing-y skills are nonpareil -- in a non kinda way. And YES, he is decidedly outgoing when it comes to bending small children and school administrators and unsuspecting executives to his rather subdued, aging Mandarin will, while inducing a false sense of agape and joie de vivre in his victims. But, alas, he's detail-oriented only in making sure he gets all the little pieces of broken glass picked up so they don't end up in little feet; Da-da is a scale model of entropy.

Oh, and YES, he SO WANTS to work in a fast-paced, fun and friendly environment. You have no idea. None, whatsoever. However, it should be noted upfront that Da-da is expert at sabotaging the fast-paced, the fun, the environmentally friendly, usually by asking questions no one seems to want to answer. Ever. Why is that?

And while this may be a great opportunity for someone who wants to learn rudimentary weasel polishing, or tumbleweed exfoliation, or oral marshmallow presentation, unfortunately, yours is an UNPAID internship, and Da-da's DDG (Designated Domestic Goddess) has fixed his minimum hourly indentured servitude fee for animal and vegetable cruelty, massage and somatic maintenance fee at the $25/hr mark, as that's how much it would cost to replace childcare, transport, cooking, shopping, errand running, volunteering, errant bitching, and rather meager chief bottle washing duties, combined, in Da-da's backwoods burg.

However, if you're willing to pay and you'd still like to have Da-da be your intern... well, you have been warned. To get Da-da away from Ma-ma's clutches (and Bronko's and Nagurski's), Da-da would suggest abduction. You'll need a powerful horse and some seige equipment. And a Mothership.

Looking forward to That Special Repunzel Moment (you bring the hair).

All the best,

A Man Called Da-da
Nowheresville

Da-da is the best of interns, the worst of interns.