Da-da's Top 8 NFL Franchise Names for L.A.

Sorry, but Da-da does possess male reproductive organs (well, in a box), so every once in a while he's compelled to write a manly post. Once a year, anyway.

Before Da-da was roped into being Da-da, Da-da's job was NAMING THINGS. Da-da loves naming things. He's named all kinds of things you use every day: the orange, chloral hydrate, Mr. T. But what made Da-da's Naming Light switch back on was the recent announcement of yet another NFL franchise, to be hatched from some old dusty egg in the NFL's Olde Fridge of Gameday Curiosities. While this is probably just the NFL owners' plan to blackmail their various venues into new stadiums and illicit backroom moolah and concessions (like they need 'em), it is kinda fun to imagine what the new team(s) might be called -- esp. considering that Da-da gets to do this naming exercise without having to stare down humorless billionaire execs who haven't had an original thought since the 1972 Tampa Bay Buccaneer uniform (FYI, the Buccaneers actually used to be an L.A. football team back in 1926).


Now, Da-da's from Southern California. Someone had to be. So, he's earned the right to make fun of the place. Da-da also knows a bit about NFL history and old timey football, so his cranium is full of actual historical names the NFL keeps locked in their giant cryogenic pigskin of frozen brand memes. Note that these are all real names, taken from real teams of yore (that were mostly terrible, hence their exit from the zeitgeist), and are more in the realm of possibility than those of any fey naming/branding agency (e.g., the L.A. Mustangs, the L.A. Squeeze, the L.A. Code Monkeys, etc.). Also note that Da-da excised any name that's in use by any college or baseball team, or any name that sounds too common, like "Pros" or "All-Stars." These names are from wayback, when peanuts and ticket prices were... well, FREE. And beer was five cents. (Psst, peanuts make people drink more beer.) Anyway, here's the list of those names that didn't make the cut:

The Rejects
The Rockets (they were more interesting when they were the Chicago Rockets, even though they were in last place so many times that they changed their name to...)

The Hornets
(too college-y, however, the "Green Hornets" with mascot Cato might work)

The Stapletons
(too Rotarian)

The Steam Rollers
(might work if they were the "L.A. Steam Punks," but probably not)

The Yellow Jackets
(too yellow, too jacket, too jacuzzi jazz)

The Tornadoes
(L.A. doesn't have tornadoes, and "Earthquakes" sounds fake name from some movie)

The Kelleys
(L.A. hasn't been Irish since... well, since all the snakes were removed, but they're all back now after law school, so whatever)

The Colonels
(too Armed Forces Radio)

The Brecks
(the Brecks? Maybe if they were THE BRECHTS, the team breaking into song mid-play...)

The Independents
(sounds like a newspaper)

The Jeffersons
("Well, we're movin' on UP... to the East Side... to a DE-luxe sta-di-um in the skyyyy...")

The Celts
(too "How to Train Your Dragon")

The Blues
(already an L.A. soccer team, they stole this name from the proto-NFL 1924 Kansas City Blues; besides, the "L.A. Blues" sound kinda namey).

And without further ado, here are Da-da's Top Eight Historical Names for any future NFL franchise(s), in L.A., or anywhere else.
8. The L.A. Maroons: Maroon not as in color, but slang for, "fugitive slaves" seems to work well for the NFL these days. The Pottsville Maroons were pretty good in 1926 (where the hell is Pottsville, anyway?), but should never be confused with the Kenosha Maroons of 1924, which were all, as a team, disowned by their parents. Both teams were, of course, maroon, so at least the uniform palette is a no-brainer.

7. The L.A. Eskimos: Since the NFL often makes no sense, L.A.'s inclement weather is a perfect match for this oxymoron (as it was for the 1926 Duluth Eskimos) -- AND there's the opportunity for an In-n-Out Burger stadium franchise for, "Inuit-Out Burgers." Yeah, same to you.

6. The L.A. Heralds: formerly a '20s Detroit team, The Heralds... ok, they do sound like a newspaper for The Silver Surfer, but the 48% religious element could get slap-happy about it, and this could work really well considering God is primariy on the side of all the NFL owners.

5. The L.A. Kardex: The L.A. Kardex? Sounds just weird enough to stick. This actual team, the Tonawanda Kardex, lost the only game they ever played back in 1921 and then totally vanished. So. It's a mystery! Just like L.A.! And if they ever lose, ESPN will say, "The Kardex is not amused."

4. The L.A. Black Triangles: named after the 1920-29 Dayton Triangles, the L.A. area has seen enough black triangles in the skies these days to make this one work. And an alien is the perfect mascot for L.A. Free "Repo Man" midnight movie nights on the Jumbotron!

3. The L.A. Gunners:  Sure, they're another do-nothing MIA team from St. Lewis in 1934, but in L.A., they're a non-stop LAPD nightmare... or its poster child. Same difference.

2. The L.A. Panhandles: The 1920-22 Columbus Panhandles only won three games, but that didn't stop them from making a few bucks bumming off the clientele after games! Factually, The Panhandles name might work better for San Francisco, given its season-ending Tenderloin, but it's also perfect for L.A.

1. The L.A. Legion: Not only does this pay homage to the 1922 Racine Legion, which were pure excitement due to their proximity to O&H Danish Bakery and every kringle flavor imaginable, it's also reminiscent of those demonic nether regions that L.A. occasionally typifies -- esp in the summer.

NFL, you can send Da-da a check -- a BIG check -- not those little checks you paid to the refs.

We are Legion: THE L.A. LEGION.

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