10.4.15

Stones of Scotland Mystery SOLVED



The one on the right looks about the size of a softball.

According to Psychic Lynn, she saw these stones used by GIANTS in a terrible game long ago:
"They were projectiles AND part of a game. Giant people, at least 7 feet tall and enormous, are throwing these balls at each other, trying to hit and hurt each other. It looks to be a malicious form of dodgeball, like shotput, dodgeball and tennis all in one, designed to cause harm to the other person. Your goal was to disable your opponents, and it would go one for an hour or more." 
No wonder the giants died out. The best is the photo/caption at the bottom.

This must've been tiny in giant hands, likea golfball to us.

Ow.

Super ow.
This is best of all. Touchie-feelie humans have interpreted this into something called the "Sconestone."
Folks pass it around every year to celebrate kindness! If they only knew. It's like passing along Lizzie Borden's axe!

Enter the KTV: The Post Da-da Didn't Want to Write


It's cliche, alas. But some cliches, in rare circumstances... well, sometimes their use is warranted. Yes, Da-da is talking about Kid Transport Vehicles (or KTVs).

KTVs are different than any other vehicle, excepting maybe dumptrucks. They must do certain things well, while tolerating the occasional saltwater hosedown of the interior. And YES, Da-da had to buy one, as his monkeys were exceeding the design limits of both his modest 14YO Jeep, and Ma-ma's micro-hatchback.

Da-da Gets Neutered

Like everything else in manly life these days... oh wait, there isn't any manly life these days. Ma-mas win that particular contest. So, Ma-ma got Da-da's Jeep (and is very very happy). The hatchback, which had tremendous resale value, got sold (only lost $3000 off the purchase price, wow). And with that, Da-da got neutered. 

Of course, Da-da has no trouble with bludgeoning traditional male/female roles, having lost all sense of... well, all sense of everything since becoming a SAHD. NO, Da-da doesn't embrace this touchy-feelie role; like a man, he endures it, a quality made famous by women. BUT Da-da still retains a stubborn inner DrWhovian OVERCAPITALIZATION manticore that will have its day. Or at least, its mid-late-early morning afternoon. Besides, it's a serious challenge.

The Minivans Oxymoronic

Up on the block, the usual suspects: THE MINIVANS. They're not mini. They're not vans. They're not affordable. Da-da's not gonna show pics; you know what they look like. Above all, they're g*ddamn pricey -- SO pricey in fact that they were unobtainable unless you wanted to french kiss a corporate bankster on the mouth every day for 2191.5 days.

That said, Da-da decided to go the Top Gear Extremely Cheap Minivan People Transporter Challenge. COULD he purchase a vehicle that met all the pre-existing needs AND was comfortable and perhaps just a little fun? Yes, he could. And did. But it came at a price, and he's getting ahead of himself.

A Fantasy Aside

One direction Da-da would LOVE to go is the bike route. But it's just not safe as a KTV, as drivers in huge trucks and Escaladezillas and police cars rocket about Da-da's town while staring at their g*ddamn smartphones. Has everyone been raised an idiot these days? Is that even a sentence? Anyway, while Bronko and Nagurski and Da-da are indeed tough and feisty and fairly intelligent (well, *they* are)... do the math: a five-ton SUV goes over a 30-pound bike with nothing leftover.

If Da-da lived in a civilized country, he'd ride one of these:

It's a Trek Transport+. It's also electric-assist, so all those groceries and cinder blocks aren't quite so heavy. It is awesome. It is also totally devoid of armor and airbags and all the other things Da-da would need to ensure his genepool's survival -- which is highly overrated, just ask anyone from Monsanto.

[sigh]

The Part Where Da-da's Fate is Sealed

Ok. So, Da-da found a vehicle.

One day, Da-da's across-the-street neighbor George, a nice guy and recovering bass player who used to own a music shop (the real kind, that sold instruments), walks over and offers Da-da first dibs on his 2002 Chrysler Town and Country Minivan. For $1000. George tossed Da-da the keys and said, "Drive it around. See if you like it."

Da-da drove the minivan around. It was ok. Kinda squishy. But had a better ride in comparion with the bouncy jeep. AND it had the old side-rear windows that servo OPEN/CLOSE, allowing copious amounts of fresh air to course through the cabin. Da-da is all about fresh air. It had no mats or stereo to speak of, but it did have AC (that didn't work). It was clean. And a responsible jazz musician had put all 171,000 miles on it, and took care of the engine. Some of the clear coat was coming off, but that wrench could be monkeyed.


The Part Where Da-da Loses His Soul... or Gets It Back, One of Those

Yes, Da-da bought it. He added a new stereo. Some nice thick carpetted mats. Spent $400 to have the AC fixed. Since George had just bought new headlights, Da-da purchased aftermarket rear lamps, as well as new (stock) wheelcovers. It almost looked presentable. (Then he spent $1500 a week later when the clutch exploded, but this was his fault for doing things like coasting downhill in neutral and popping it back into DRIVE, which brings us to Life Lesson #23972: if you buy an old vehicle, drive it the way it's been driven; any deviations will be costly.)

Da-da then added the final finishing touches.


It had to have a peace sticker, a better license plate -- and especially a St. John's Ambulance sticker when Da-da realized what he'd actually bought a...


That's right. It's a Chrysler Town & Country TARDIS LX. Not many of those around. Not sure how Chrysler swung a TARDIS. Must be an import.

Bottom line: Da-da's boys immediately loved it. Climbed all over the seats and threw things at each other and were basically the highly enlightened primates they are, even after we got trapped in lava on Gallifrey. Hey, if you can't have fun while serving the needs of others, don't do it.

--

[Note: YES, Da-da put the TARDIS badge on it, too. Life can be amazing, but sometimes it needs a little OOMPH.] 

1.4.15

The Flow With the Go: Your Front-end Realignment


Sometimes, you just have to go with it.


Ok, Da-da better understands this now. It's some kind of realignment. For those who know what Da-da's talking about...

When you hear "the beacon," or that sudden ringing in your ears, or experience any kind of mental pressure, or an urge to meditate, try this easy set of steps. Da-da's had this happen twice now, and this is what he did. Seems to work. It even worked on Da-da's wife, and she's a bit of a skeptic. Don't ask him what all this means. Note that this might happen more than once over the next four or five days, so you might need to do it more than once.
  1. Sit upright, preferrably in the sun. The moon is fine, too. Da-da has also done this out of the sun, but the sun is faster.
  2. Face the sun, eyes closed, no sunglasses.
  3. Breathe -- normally, don't hyperventilate.
  4. Imagine a cord dropping from the base of your spine to the center of the earth. This is a grounding cord. If you're agitated, add another cord, then another, till you calm down.
  5. Any errant thoughts that are jumping around, enclose them within each breath, then imagine it dropping down your spine, down the grounding cord to the center of the earth.
  6. Breathe in fully, imagining energy coming into your head (energy points 6 &7) then exhale the energy out and down the grounding cord. Do this five times (or more if necessary).
  7. Breathe normally.
  8. After a short time, you may begin to see colors. Go with it.
  9. Breathe, as above, through the colors. With each breath, imagine each color going where it needs to go inside your body. If you feel lightheaded, slow down. There's no rush.
  10. Do this until you don't see any more colors. 
  11. Repeat this process again if you hear what Da-da calls "the beacon," or have any kind of sudden ringing in your ears, or (gentle) mental pressure.

Note: Most know this already, but chakras, or power centers, really do exist, mirroring the body's endochrine system, and run along rainbow lines: ROY G BIV. Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet. They run all the way through the body, front to back, and spin... in some way, but don't get hung-up on forms.

That's it. From what Da-da can tell, this is some kind of spiritual realignment, but Da-da can't tell you what it means, yet. He doesn't normally post stuff that's this out-there, but it's happening more and more... and since he was directed to, he's just gonna go with it.


30.3.15

Tao of Da-da 13: The World is Your Blankie... If You Can Find the Damn Thing

Where is that damn Blankie?!

To commemorate the future publishing of this series (coming soon, and featuring over 200 all original humorous photographs/artwork), Da-da's re-releasing a small number of these. Enjoy.

13
 

Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is a desert golf course filled with fear.
But no matter: these things are way beyond A Man Called Da-da
and matter not when he can't find
The Blankie.

What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure?
Da-da's glad you asked.
Whether you go up the ladder or down
Da-da's position is typically shaky.
When Da-da stands with two feet on the ground
he will usually keep his balance enough to catch any barf.

Usually.
But what about
The Blankie?

What does it mean that hope is a desert golf course filled with fear?

Besides the Bob Hope/Palm Springs thing going on
(where old ladies yell at you if you don't play fast enough)
hope and fear are both phantoms
that arise from thinking of any “spare time.”
Fearwise, when we don't see the self as necessary to anything but finding The Blankie,
what do we have to fear?

Only the playing of golf in general. 
Which we can't afford, anyway
nor do we have "spare time" for it.
And sure, the old ladies are mean to Da-da
but this a little fear.
A big fear is NOT FINDING THE BLANKIE.

So.

See the world as Your Blankie.
Have faith in the way it always smells and constantly gets torn and falls apart.
Love The Blankie as your self.
And get good at finding and mending The Blankie quickly

while not minding the pain.
And find it.
Find it now.
And start living.
But find it.

[Excerpted from Da-da's soon-to-be-published third book (courtesy of The Printed Voice)... The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Void where prohibited. The winds of change are blowing, so watch out for tumbleweeds.]

25.3.15

2015: ENTER The Cribbage Millennium... IF YOU DARE (If you don't, that's okay, too)


Oh, the drama of the six-turn golden cribbage extravaganza!

Few things are as exciting as a rousing, two-fisted game of CRIBBAGE. Well, maybe nude cribbage. While not exactly rip-roaring, cribbage is, in the Grand Backdrop of Time-Killing Whateverness, both comforting and useful. Why do you care?

Because 2015 is The Year of The Six-Turn Golden Cribbage EXTRAVAGANZA, as well as the beginning of The Cribbage Millennium. Hope your hands aren't prone to cramps. YES, starting in 2015, we're gonna play cribbage for 1000 years straight. Why? Da-da has no idea. He thought you knew. Perhaps it's because 2015 is the year it's got 15 in it and because Da-da likes cribbage. Besides, this is the only year where certain dates can add up to 15, a thing that won't happen again till... well, 3015, in which case our six-fingered descendants will do it all over again!

Since you asked, here's a lightly Da-da-edited crib of cribbage history from wikipedia; best read it now before wikipedia lets some pocket-money anti-cribbage special interest group edit the facts:

According to John Aubrey (Captain of the HMS Surprise), cribbage was created by the English poet Sir John Suckling (who invented the suckling pig) in the early 17th century, as a derivation of the game "noddy" (thus named because the players often fell alseep). While noddy has disappeared on some dusty Dashboard of Oblivion, cribbage has survived virtually unchanged, as one of the most popular games in the English-speaking world. (No, really.) The objective of the game is to be the first player to score a target number of points, typically 61 or 121 -- without screaming at the other player(s), or giving them what-for with some heavy object. Points are scored for card combinations that add up to fifteen, as well as for pairs, triples, quadruples, runs, and flushes, but NOT for self-restraint, which is its own reward.

Cribbage holds a special place among American submariners, serving as an "official" pastime. The wardroom of the oldest active submarine in the United States Pacific Fleet carries the personal cribbage board of World War II submarine commander and Medal of Honor recipient Rear Admiral Dick O'Kane on board, and upon the boat's decommissioning, the board is transferred to the next oldest boat.
Cribbage is not only a great pastime for those with time to kill, or kids learning to count, it's also specially suited to modern times, such as: blackouts; riots; building/security lockdowns; LONG underwater deployments; barracks restriction; prison stays; whenever Congress is "in session," etc. All those moments we like to suffer celebrate together. Best of all, playing cribbage doesn't involve technology or energy usage in any way, shape, or form. Just a few friends and a deck of cards.

For those who don't play cribbage (what's wrong with you?), one goal of the game is to add up cards in your hand to 15 (e.g., 9 and 6, 7 and 8, 10 and 5). Note that there aren't that many "two-cards = 15" combinations, so for the purposes of Cribbage Millennium 2015, we will celebrate (or Da-da will celebrate while you watch) Special Cribbage Days where only cribbage will be played for entertainment, and only coffee and tea and little tea cookies and big tea cookies and all kinds of cookies and coffee cake and well ALL CAKES and pies and donuts are to be ingested (and whatever else you want). These days are thus:

Golden Cribbage EXTRAVAGANZA Dates for 2015

5/10/15 --  May 10th, 2015 (5 + 10 = 15)*

6/9/15   --  June 9th, 2015 (6 + 9 = 15)

7/8/15   --  July 8th, 2015 (7 + 8 = 15)*

8/7/15   --  August 7th, 2015 (8 + 7 =15)*

9/6/15   --  September 6th, 2015 (9 + 6 = 15)

10/5/15 --  October 5th, 2015 (10 + 5 = 15)*

If Da-da missed any, you can scream MUGGINS (it's an insider/cribbage thing) and comment greedily in the comments section... but no one will like you. On the above Special Cribbage Dates, truly massive amounts of cribbage will be played with extreme muggins-ish prejudice. The above dates marked with an asterisk (*) contain 31 days, and are thus EXTRA SPECIAL CRIBBAGE MONTHS (ESCM), symbolic of the total number of points scored in one aspect of the game, and celebrated with... something.

Finally, Da-da will NOT suggest the eating of cabbage on any of those days simply because it sounds like cribbage (though he will suggest you put some creamy slaw on a hotdog, along with some chili beans, mustard and ketchup and relish, damn). Nor will anyone hang out in a "crib," large or small, dressed as a baby, in order to secure any alienable or unalienable rights. Anyone caught doing these things intentionally in this, THE CRIBBAGE MILLENNIUM, will suffer in some indeterminate way yet to be revealed by David Hasselhof and Major League Baseball.

Yeah, Da-da can't believe it, either.

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