30.7.14

VIDEO: Hitler's Nose Seen Flying Over Germany

AIIEIE! Achtung! Das ist SUPERAFFENNASE! (which means, "Super Monkey Nose," which Da-da just coined)

This just in... Hitler's nose has returned from whatever interdimensional nasal nether region it's been nosing around, and is flying pell-mell over Germany! Ach, der Nieser! Authorities have no idea what the nose smells like, but the bad german puns are sending them into a Project Paperclip pretzel.

Achtung, Achoo!

DOES THIS MEAN THE RISE OF A NEW NEO-NASE PARTY?? (Um, "nase" is german for "nose." In case you thought Da-da misspelled Nazi.)


The next neo-nase party notwithstanding, Hitler's mustache IS STILL AT LARGE and is considered extremely dangerous, at least as a fashion accessory, or perhaps as an entreaty into RAMPANT CAPITALIZATION.


28.7.14

The Da-da is IN: Getting the Itch Out of Mosquito Bites (or, "Mosquito Bite Remedies That Don't Suck")


The best cure for mosquito bites is prevention, like Da-da's thick monster fur. But if you're lacking
in monster fur, or you've already been bitten by a monster or mosquito, use the following.

Mosquito bites are the price of summer, but there are a few counter-intuitive remedies available that take the sting away. The good news is that the below remedies are state-of-the-art AND old-fashioned, and of course, CHEAP. Best of all, neither use drugs or ointments.

1. First, there's this device:

The Therapik. The needle is only 3" long.
Yes, Da-da's kidding. It uses heat.

The Therapik heats the bite to 120/140 degrees F, neutralizing the venom. No, there's no needle. As per this site:
To relieve the pain, itching and swelling of insect bites, Therapik uses the focused application of heat to neutralize the venom. The reason the heat treatment works is that the venom of most common stinging and biting insects is thermolabile, meaning that high temperatures render it harmless.

Applied for less than a minute, Therapik concentrates heat (120° to 140°F/50° to 60°C) on a tiny target area so the heat penetrates as deeply as the venom without damaging surrounding tissue or causing pain.

Effective on the venom of bees, hornets, wasps, mosquitoes, blackflies, ants, jellyfish, fleas, ticks and even stinging nettle (not recommended on spider bites, snakebites or scorpion stings), it works best on fresh bites, but soothes even day-old ones.
It's only $14, and no, Da-da was not paid for this mention; he's not a shill, he just wants to help. This device works best carried in a backpack, and applied on fresh bites. However, there is a cheaper, equivalent home remedy that works just as well. 

Look at that spoon stand straight up. Now THAT'S Da-da coffee.
Yes, it's also a cure for mosquito bites.

2. The following is how Da-da ministers to Bronko and Nagurski, chronologically aged 7 and 9 (mentally/emotionally aged 2 and 2).

Da-da Disclaimer: Be careful, so you don't burn anyone. If you don't have any sense or nerves in your body, and/or you can't follow simple directions, best not try this yourself. In fact, you might want to just lock yourself in a box with a wombat.

Place a metal spoon in a mug of hot water or coffee -- water for coffee is about 190 degrees, so use a coffee maker or hot water spigot; you could also boil water, but be sure to let it cool a bit before using.  

Pull the spoon and blow on it a bit till it cools to around 140 degrees F, say about 10-20 seconds, depending on air temperature. (Da-da tests the spoon against his cheek for his kids, but you can use your hand, your arm, eyeball, the cat, whatever you want.) Apply the back of the heated spoon to the bite area and hold for 10-30 seconds. This magically takes the itch away and even works for old bites. This technique also works on the venom of bees, hornets, wasps, mosquitoes, blackflies, ants, jellyfish, fleas, ticks and even stinging nettle (not recommended on spider bites, snakebites or scorpion stings), but you should still seek mendical attention in any of those if you see any symptoms other tha the bite/sting. Please use common sense, which is fairly uncommon now, so we'll have to call it someone else. 

Note that this heat remedy should be done, as needed. Da-da's youngest just got severely eaten alive at a pool party and Da-da had to use the hot spoon therapy twice in six hours before the itching vanished. Again, it really helps to apply this immediately after bites/stings.
 
Note: some mosquito bites are worse than others.
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