10.7.13

What All Cops Need: The Andy Griffith Police Training Academy



Many of you are too young to have seen, "The Andy Griffith Show." It was a sitcom about a friendly small-town sheriff/widower with a little boy, a plump aunt, and a bumbling deputy. The sheriff never carried a gun (except for one episode with an escaped convict), and his deputy, played by Don Knotts, who did carry a gun but only had one bullet, which he was forever losing.

This is a foreign concept these days with law enforcement, even in Da-da's hick town. GONE is the concept of the Peace Officer. Why is that?

At the recent 4th of July parade in Da-da's small town, a motorcycle cop was driving up and down the street just prior to the parade; the street was blocked off and people were excited (why?) about watching the same dumb parade they always watch, but this time the motorcycle cop was growling, "Get outta the way!" instead of, "please move to the curb." 

This is not peace.
 
So, Humanity 101. You go through life one of two ways: either everyone's your friend, or no one is. The former is a helluva lot cheaper and more enjoyable, and people tend to buy you coffee a lot. Oh, and you stand a much greater chance of SURVIVAL.

All police should have to attend, "The Andy Griffith Police Academy." At The Andy Griffith Police Academy, cadets will learn to:
  • Be polite.
  • Be friendly.
  • Be helpful.
  • Be neighborly (or "neighbourly" to all Da-da's Bobby friends).
  • Be non-threatening.
And above all...
  • Keep the peace, via all the above.
Here, look at that word again:

PEACE

This is peace.

Remember PEACE? Few do. IT'S AWESOME. Besides being our natural state, peace is like sleeping on freshly mown grass (in a green outfit so you don't have to worry about grass stains) on a hill under a tree about a zillion years before humans and monstrous animals and bugs showed up. You know, big puffy white-cloud blue-sky cool-breeze full-belly PEACE.

Growing up, the police in Da-da's hometown were called, "peace officers." Da-da knows that the world appears to be more dangerous than it used to -- on TV and in movies, anyway -- but the reality is that all major crimes are way down, statistically. WE THE PEOPLE are more peaceful. So, why can't the police mirror reality and follow suit? Like the guy in, "Raising Arizona" said, you're just hurting yourselves with this rambunctious behavior. Our governments want us afraid so we're easier to control.

Either way, the police in Da-da's town are scaring Da-da more than alleged gun-toting yahoos the media wants us to see everywhere. Really, the only aggressive, gun-toting yahoos Da-da ever sees these days are the police.

This is not peace.
 
We the civilian majority just blink and wonder why the police feel they need tanks. Da-da's guessing it's because they're afraid; fearful people buy tanks; fearful governments fear their people. The core fear is probably due to someone higher up feeling guilty about something they think they've done wrong, something they know we're going to catch them doing, because they feel they deserve to be caught.

NEWSFLASH: you're catching yourselves. The President's silly new 1984-ish internal spy policies are going to make that worse: the greater the pressure, the greater the need for release. Worldwide and at home, more and more Americans affiliated with the government are walking around armed to the teeth -- or are portrayed as such. They're simply afraid and feeling guilty, or their bosses are.

So... come clean. Tell the truth. You'll carry a lot less weight. Stop using your consituents for revenue generation and be officers of peace.

In the meantime, police and government agents should either have to attend the Andy Griffith Police Academy, to learn how to use everything BUT force in all situations, or simply watch a few hundred reruns of, "The Andy Griffith Show." Are you really going to draw-down on Aunt Bea? Shoot Goober? Arrest Opie for riding his bike in the crosswalk? Pepper spray Floyd the Barber for being Floyd the Barber? He'd probably like that.

Recently, the ACLU launched a nationwide police militarization investigation, wondering why and how. Da-da would like to know, too.

The whole, "us" vs. "them" mentality has gotta stop. You are us. There is no them.

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