14.12.13

James Bond vs. The Mob: A Very Short Subject


Fig. 1: James Bond, ready for his close-up.

James Bond vs. The Mob: A Very Short Subject


FADE IN:

INT. A HUGE WAREHOUSE -- DAY

[James Bond theme UP, copyright notwithstanding]

JAMES BOND, wearing requisite tuxedo and hubris, is duct-taped with extreme prejudice to a chair that sits smack dab in the middle of your basic huge industrial warehouse near the docks. Ship horns can be heard in the distance.

Bond grins smugly at two matter-of-fact GOODFELLAS standing a pace away. They wear general mobster-issue outfits from the '60s: big coats, big hats, shiny shoes. One of them is eating a huge, messy sandwich.

[Music DOWN]

Goodfella #1
So. Mr. Bond...

Bond's grin widens. He looks smugger than before, if that's possible. Goodfella #2 nods at him and smiles through a mouthful of food.

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
Mr. Bond? Ok, here's how we do this.

Goodfella #1 pulls a revolver from his coat and puts the barrel against Bond's head.

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
First, Mr. Bond... we kill you.
[BANG] 

He shoots Bond in the head. Then, with the gun, he directs a forklift to move in and pick up Bond's body and chair via chains attached to the forklift forks. Bond, still duct-taped to the chair, swings lifeless, pathetic. The forklift back away slowly, making a BEEP BEEP BEEP sound. Goodfella #2 moves himself and his sandwich out of the way.

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
THEN, Mr. Bond...

INT. A CORNER OF SAME WAREHOUSE -- SAME DAY

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
...we drop you in concrete.

Goodfella #2 pulls a lever and the forklift plops Bond's body into the wet muck of a huge concrete block form. The body sinks. More concrete is poured on top. The form is loaded onto a truck with a massive crane.

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
Next, Mr. Bond...

EXT. MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN -- SUNSET

A huge ship in the middle of the ocean. A massive crane swings the concrete block containing Bond out over the water. Both goodfellas watch from the deck. Goodfella #2 has made some headway with his sandwich.

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
...we drop you in the ocean.

He nods and the concrete block is dropped into the middle of the ocean. It spashes, sinks.

Goodfella #1 (cont'd)
Let's see you escape DEATH, Mr. Bond.

The goodfellas look at each other, shrug, and go inside the ship. The ocean swells, ocean-like.

[James Bond theme UP.]


FADE OUT


License to... well, license to something.



Please note that this, as per the conventions of this medium and writing in general, is copyrighted. All rights reserved.
If you're interested in this short subject, please contact Da-da. It's legal to use, as it's parody. Da-da's all about parody.
It's also as close as Da-da could get here to a Final Draft Pro look.

2 comments:

alanborky said...

Tut-tut.

Da-Da for some reason y'left out the bit where Bond's other enemies haul the concrete block back t'the surface just t'be sure he's dead but on crackin' it open find it's filled with dead mobsters.

Gobsmacked Bond's enemies stand there starin' in disbelief allowin' Bond t'now reappear in their midst an' explain Q'd provided him with a powerful electromagnet concealed in one o' his teeth which even as a specially prepared bloodpack hidden in his eyebrow exploded he'd used t'ricochet the bullet round the room killin' all the mobsters Kennedy *magic bullet* style before releasin' him from his outsourced *made in China* restraints.

The baddies now scramble t'get Bond but even as he's sippin' a martini between humps o' the baddies' beautiful girlfriends tiny electromagnets made from the original tooth located one then strewn all through the concrete now magnetic'ly fasten on t'the baddies metal tipped shoelaces an' drag 'em down t'the bottom o' the sea.

British Super Spy 1 lamo US Baddies 0!

An' a 'appy Chris'mas t'you too mate!

A Man Called Da-da said...

Yeah, just got tired of Bond always getting out of everything.

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