29.6.12

Why Da-da Loves Canada

From Here To "Attornity"

There's nothing worse than a none-too-fresh baby.

[NOTE: An "attornity" is any amount of time spent waiting for attorneys to do anything.]

More of Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

"Da-da, what does this other switch do?"

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

"Da-da, what does this switch in the garage do?"

27.6.12

Scenes From Da-da's Mind-Roasting Summer

There was a lot of this... which came in handy for roasting marshmallows -- and body hair -- on the go!
Just think of it as a month-long shave.

The flames weren't due to any great speed, but were instead because the (motor oil and) natives *inside* were indeed restless and, well, COVETOUS of whatever their brother had in their possession, the two often catching fire within Da-da's awesome Wagon Queen Family Truckster, " HONKY LIPS" edition, which is awesome. And typically on fire. And now full of kid garbage. What's the coefficient of friction of kid garbage, anyway?

Let's see... there was also one of these. Mildly deadly.

And one of these. We survived both, despite the psycho children.
Um, FYI: children are far more frightening than any mass murderer psycho.

Then more of this, before finally reaching...

This. Ah. Well... this might be overglamorizing,  esp. as we never really made it out of our driveway. Sorry, the plate in Da-da's head isn't what it used to be (it's now made by LEGO).

25.6.12

Roger Goodell's New Football Uniforms for a Kinder, Gentler NFL (Fashion Victim)

Da-da has uncovered Roger Goodell's secret new uniforms for a kinder, gentler NFL of the future. Here's the Indianapolis Colts' new look for Fall, 2012. Now that Peyton's gone, they're loosening up the tradition a bit. Obviously for some teams, it's more of a business than a game these days, as you'll see.

Whoa. Here's the Miami Dolphins new AWAY uniform for Fall, 2012. AWAY.
Here's the NY Giants' diminuitive HOME uniform for Fall, 2012.

And here's the NY Giants' AWAY uniform for Fall, 2012.
Uncle Fester power lunches Auntie Mame.

The Seattle Seahawks seemed a bit confused in their, "Lurch meets Baby Huey" offering, strangely modeled by Tom Brady. (It's 4th and 24, guys.) The Oregon Ducks are apparently also interested in this look.

The Vikings looked nonplussed...


...while the Jets looked pretty much the way they always do.



The Oakland Raiders were certainly not to be left out. You go long, girl.


And Da-da's favorite: The Miami Dolphins' new HOME uniform for Fall, 2012 just screams, "TACKLE ME" -- which is the name, oddly enough, of the team's new signature fragrance, designed by The Czonk.

The Triumph of a Man Called Da-da is...

...keenly anticipating this fall's back-to-school fashions. Yes, this year, UNCLE FESTER PLAID is IN.
Good thing, as Da-da's looked like this for years.

22.6.12

Fear & Loathing Becomes Da-da: The Brady Bunch

 
Now that it's officially summer, it's SO time for fetish rehashing. Don't worry, you all love fetish rehashing.

Speaking of entirely tenable segues, The Brady Bunch invokes both fetish and solace AND dread -- no, really -- in a combination Nietzschean/Xmas dervishnessity (what?) and Julie Andrewsian Halloween horreur sympathique that can only be removed with eloquence wax. Bad writing aside, The Brady Bunch conjures SOLACE in Da-da, as it reminds him of his insane, singular childhood, which revolved around his sibling, TELEVISION, and dreadwise as The Brady Bunch reminds Da-da of his insane, singular childhood -- and the horror he could've experienced if he'd not had the good sense to stop having psychotic children. Does that read right?

Yes, Da-da starts to sweat when he thinks about living in the same house with six kids, with each sex sharing a group room -- and those rooms abutt one another -- not to mention the fact that both factions share a common bathroom. Six kids + one bathroom = more dead spouses, provided one of the spouses doesn't go Freddy.

Then there's the unspoken question about what exactly happened to Greg and Carol Brady's previous spouses. It's never mentioned. They're both mysteriously labeled as, "widowers," both of them looking innocent with blue suitcases around them, but the details are always glossed over, and what's really in the suitcases? Are all these smiling, happy-faced white people closet axe murderers? Or schizoid poisoners? Recalcitrant, ham-handed pastry chefs? Unrepentant ROTARIANS?? Come on, anyone with three boys is a suspect for going off the deep end, three girls not so much: with three girls you pretty much just wake up with your toenails painted and your hair braided. Team up three boys and you've got Lord of the Flies.

And what, pray tell, happened to Fluffy, the girls' cat which they could not live without in the first episode? Was it, like the two dead spouses, stuffed and mounted in the Brady's secret family crypt, rumored to exist deep below the Brady manse? Or fed to Tiger, the dog? And did this unspoken tie-in between the dead cat and rotting spouses in the blue suitcases have anything to do with Florence Henderson hawking Wesson oil?? Disgusting.

So many unanswered questions. So little interest. Suffice to say that Da-da has an eidetic memory and has every inane theme song, smell and image from the '70s memorized, which might give you, gentle reader, some deep-pile shag understanding of The Gothic Horror that is Da-da.

An estranged and bitter Fluffy still stalks some of the Brady Bunch cast.

20.6.12

A Conundrum for a Solsticial Evening: Does This Mayan Glyph Imply... Antarctica?


Some folks liken this Mayan glyph, called "Hunab ku," a kind of celestial crossroads where dieties are born, to the Maya knowing about the supermassive black hole at the center of our (and every other) galaxy. Maybe. That is, maybe the Maya knew that. But Da-da just saw this view of Antarctica from space (courtesy of Ferrebeekeeper's fine blog, one of Da-da's favorites), and... well, these look awfully similar.

Buzz buzz, little bee.

Could the above also represent a symbolic layer of an actual advanced civilization actually lost under the word, "actually"? Er, that is, lost under ice? An aerie, island continent, the highest in the world with an average height of 7000 feet, a powerful one that was reputedly both light and dark and highly technical, and affected the world in the four cardinal directions? Some scientists riddle that Antarctica has been covered by ice for roughly two million years, but then again some scientists raddle for Monsanto and think bees are evil. Kinda fun to consider -- the Maya thing, not Monsanto.

Post-Apocalyptic Note: What that Mayan glyph actually represents is 2012 going down the drain. Good riddance.

Da-da's Glamor Night Job is All Glamory

Freddy... er, Da-da says, "Come again! Da-da slime you long-time!"

So, Da-da's taken a break from being Bad Mall Santa Da-da and the Easter Bunny during off-school hours to be... Frog-Headed Guy! Seems some weird all-night shoppers in some weird all-night markets reeeally like this kinda thing and, well... Da-da makes awesome frog noises, so you do the math. The late-night things Da-da does to help bring home the sushi. Too bad he has kid duty during the day. Luckily, store management lets Da-da wear the frog head home! The boys love it. Ma-ma LOVES it. (Once you've been with a frog, you never go back.) Speaking of the impossible, where's Doug and Emmy Jo? (No one's getting that one.)

16.6.12

"It is Almost Our Da-da's Day..."

"...so WE chose a special pic! Happy Father's Day, Da-da!" -- Bronko & Nagurski
Actually, Da-da forced this pic so he could get kissed by Ma-ma (who looks like Rita Hayworth) all day.

"Woke Up, It Was a Badger Morning..."

...MUSHROOM MUSHROOM...
"Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger..."
What? You don't know the Badger song/dance?
"Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger..."

15.6.12

Hey...

Hey, is that Da-da coffee Da-da smells? Or are you just glad to see him?

6.6.12

Happy Birthday, Senore Moriondo

BOING. Looks awake, doesn't he? He should.
Who is this severely caffeinated man, you ask? THIS... is your hero. Yup. This is the guy who Starbucks and Peet's and all the rest of you serious coffee drinkers owe big time, as he was the first to invent a machine to send steam through coffee. Yes, it's the original Italian Mr. Coffee, Senore Angelo Moriondo, the guy who invented espresso. Da-da is sacrificing many beans to Sr. Moriondo today -- well, every day, and then, only tangentially, as Da-da makes seriously deranged INSTANT DA-DA COFFEE, which could perhaps explain why Da-da looks like a golem half the time (though the wordS on Da-da's head read, "YOUR NAME HERE"), as well as why Da-da hasn't slept since the War of the Roses... but also, most importantly for you, it might indicate exactly WHY Da-da can't seem to stake this vampire sentence... DIE, SENTENCE, DIE! There. It also might explain why that pesky spoon won't fall over, but then again, physical laws don't always work around Da-da. What was the question, again?

Da-da coffee is always intense.

5.6.12

The One Where Da-da Fixes Decades of Societal Ills and Vaguelly Waxes Tofflerian



This is a must-read for parents -- esp. parents of boys. It will surprise no one who knows Da-da (can anyone EVER really know Dada?) that Da-da goes against the grain in just about everything popular culture espouses, but esp. shuns the two grotesqueries mentioned below. Needless to say, Da-da would be an obvious candidate for living Off the Grid if he didn't dislike the hermetic lifestyle so much. Really, wearing bandages in public is kinda the same thing, anyway, but in a fun-n-freaky sci-fi way, which pleases the aliens living inside Da-da. (At least SOME OF THEM. Most of them say, "Hi," btw.) Anyway, all this Da-da-ness notwithstanding, past the jump is an excellent article exposing two main ontological traps for young men (and some young women) in developed nations (NOTE: the article posits this as, "America," but Da-da extrapolates this to mean any country with a Western appetite and ample electricity and politicians who should all be chucked out the air-lock.)

These Two Traps Are Absolutely Destroying The Next Generation Of Young Men In America

endoftheamericandream.com
June 5, 2012

Have you ever noticed that our young girls seem to be far ahead of our young boys and that our young women seem to be much more “together” than our young men are?  Have you ever noticed how many young American men almost seem like zombies and find even the most basic human interactions extremely awkward?  Well, this didn’t happen by accident.  Researchers are finding that there are two traps in particular that are absolutely destroying the next generation of young men in America.  One is video game addiction and the other is pornography.  In the old days, the parks and ball fields of America would be flooded with young boys after school was done for the day, but now our parks and our ball fields are very quiet.  So where did all the boys go?  Well, they are all sitting at home staring into computer screens.  Yes, there are also young girls and young women that are addicted to these things, but the truth is that these addictions are far more prevalent among young men.  Unfortunately, it is not going to be easy to reverse the damage that is being done to the next generation of young men in America, and that is very frightening.

These days, most parents don’t consider video game addiction to be a major crisis.  Many parents are just glad to have something that will keep their children occupied and out of their hair.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Tip #72: Reassuring floor lamps that everything's going to be okay is an important first step toward creating a peaceful lighting experience for children.

3.6.12

And Now For Something Completely Garmonbozian

It's always time for Garmonbozia.

Another Dynamic Sunday at the Two-Boy House

It started with a push. Ok, more of a throw.


Followed by a retaliatory punch.


And then some general Hulkage.


Accompanied by some good-natured Ultra Man-agement. Your basic Sunday chaos.


But then it got nasty. OK, that's ONE for burning your brother.


And nastier. That's TWO for both of you.


And that's THREE.


TIME OUT in the Naughty Chairs for both of you. AND NO TRANSPORTING OUT.


Ok, all done. Time to make up. Don't overdo it


Here are some additional rules for the rest of today. Now go play.


Uh huh.


Here we go again.
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