24.9.17

"Turn Around, MONSTER" (Sung to, "Total Eclipse of the Heart") -- A Postmodern Carol (#11 in a Series)


Last night, the boys saw an especially traumatic Ultraman episode where the rubberized skeleton monster involved was atypically sad [sniff] 'cause it'd been knocked out of the "Outer Zone" by a misguided rocket. Hate it when that happens. Once on earth, the monster was quite un-monster-like in that he just cried and cried and cried (sounding like steel gurders collapsing) for what seemed like hours till scientists and Ultraman finally couldn't stand it anymore and helped the scranch-y monster get back home... but it took time. Too much time. SO much time. Meanwhile, the monster wandered the countryside, howling and forlorn [sob]. Why is Da-da boring you with this?

Because Da-da's youngest started to cry for the sad monster [it really was sad] -- or maybe it was because his ears hurt from the terrible sound. Regardless, a sad 4YO Bronko suddenly broke into a song about the sad monster. Well, in an '80s dimension, channeling big hair monsters that walked through dark rooms filled with slo-mo doves and blowing chiffon. You know: AWESOME.

Here are the words Da-da recorded. You're welcome.


Turn Around, MONSTER (A BRUTAL HIGH-KICK TO THE HEART)
[Sung to, "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" by Bonnie Tyler]
 
Turnaround, every now and then I get sucked
outta the Outer Zone and made to walk around on TV
Turnaround, every now and then I get 
a little bit tired of the awful grinding sound of my tears
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that Ultraman is gonna beat me again
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit happy till I see the judge-y look in his eyes
Turnaround MONSTER, every now and
then I'm torn apart
Turnaround MONSTER, every now and
then I'm torn apart

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit restless and dream about a little payback
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit stupid when I'm howling like a whacko on crack
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit angry and I need to kick some silvery butt
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit nervous when I think I look like I'm inside-out
Turnaround MONSTER, every now and
then I'm torn apart
Turnaround MONSTER, every now and
then I'm blown apart

And I don't need Ultraman tonight
Or I'll bleed now more than ever
Oh if you'll only be polite
I'll stop making this noise forever
And you'll only be making it right
Cause we're so wrong together
You can karate till the end of the line
Your glove is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
I'm feeling like a scrambled egg being eaten by Karl Marx
I can't stop weeping tonight 
Monstertherapy starts tonight
Monstertherapy starts tonight  


Once upon a time I was floating in space
Now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A brutal high-kick to the heart
Once upon a time there was Outer Zone
Now only "ha-ya!" in the dark
Nothing I can say
A savage high-kick to the heart

Turnaround fright eyes
Turnaround fright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know
I'll never be the monster you wanted me to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know
I'll always be the Monster who was destined to cry so much on TV
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as powerful and macho as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's no way a weepy skeleton can get away with ruling earth like Boo-boo
Turnaround fright eyes, every now and
then I'm torn apart
Turnaround fright eyes, every now and
then I'm blown apart

And I don't need Ultraman tonight
Or I'll bleed now more than ever
Oh if you'll only be polite
I'll stop making this noise forever
And you'll only be making it right
Cause we're so wrong together
You can karate till the end of the line
Your glove is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
I'm feeling like a scrambled egg being eaten by Karl Marx
I can't stop weeping tonight 
Monstertherapy starts tonight
Monstertherapy starts tonight
 

Once upon a time I was floating in space

Now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A brutal high-kick to the heart
Once upon a time there was Outer Zone
Now only "ha-ya!" in the dark
Nothing I can say
A savage high-kick to the heart.

[There's an excellent video parody of the above song... here.]

Ultraman isn't exactly known for his sympathetic side... then again, he is a Japanese space cop.


(See Postmodern Carol #10)

(Note: This was originally published back in 2011, and is fully realized in The TAO of Da-da.)

2 comments:

Penny Auctions said...

I'm trying hard to stifle my laugh since you mentioned that the boys were traumatized with this Ultraman episode.I could just imagine your boys' eyes all wide open waiting for the next thing that will occur. I have a son too and he will be glued to the tv too.

A Man Called Da-da said...

no need to stifle! if da-da didn't laugh at this stuff, he'd go... waitaminute. ITSNOTWORKING.

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