2.3.11

ENTER THE CAT NINJA: Six Deadly Lessons

People are consistently annoyed amazed at Da-da's preternatural, yet immensely humble skill of moving without a sound, not unlike Da-da's own personal Star Trek transporter: POOF. There he is. This drives most crazy -- esp. Da-da's young ninja instars, Bronco and Nagurski -- not to mention The Ma-ma Overlord. Da-da's scared countless villagers (not that he meant to), suddenly appearing at their elbow soundlessly. How did Da-da come by this highly important, near-useless skill? And how might someone else replicate this? And why would you want to? It's simple.

Da-da was raised by cats. Siamese cats. INSANE Siamese cats, to be precise.

An only child, Da-da desperately wanted a witness to his bizarro childhood (so bizarre, Da-da wrote a novel about it), but the only witnesses he had were the cats: Kakashi, Mocha, Poco, Kiko, and Ming the Merciless -- all terribly insane, evil female cat ninjas. (Male cats are kinda sweet and dopey in comparison, and hence make lousy cat ninja instructors.) So, one spring day, young master Da-da decided he would join their feline dojo of dispair, much to the fur-ladies' dismay.

Silence is deadly.

LESSON ONE: The Silence. As the Siamese demons would typically sleep in a knotted mass of entwined catness, usually wherever that spot of sun was, young master Da-da's first task was to try to sneak up on this nest of sleeping cats without making any of their ears move. Five cats = 10 supernatural cat ears. A truly awesome early warning detection system. So, Da-da started sneaking up on them one day, over and over again, getting deeper and deeper into their event horizon, closer and closer, until, after a time, he finally stood over them, silently, watching them quietly snooze before he let out a loud, "HA!" They shot straight up in the air, then, jangled and confused, sulked in the dark for hours. Gotcha. (They of course exacted their feline revenge in oh so many ways.) Later, Da-da learned to move silently on all fours, with and without shoes, carrying various items. Of course, listening is the most important component in developing this skill.

Fig. 3. "Quick Paw of DEATH."

LESSON TWO: The Quick Paw. Sure, cats can run like hell, but their burstability is key. You can train yourself to do this, of course, towing cars by hand, carrying mountains... that kinda thing. Seriously, low-weight training with light weights and endless repeticians helps develop this (cats have long, lean muscle). Heavy weights make your muscles too slow (ever see a burly cat?). Jumping over furniture and various other objects is also a useful skill, but the Quick Paw hand-eye coordination thing really comes in handy -- esp. when cats are pissed off at you and attacking. Randomly. From everywhere at once. WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. Of course, you must have a lightning fast nervous system pre-installed; not sure how you can develop that. Da-da was born with his (long since burned out by parenthood, o'course).

If you could hear this Cat Ninja Master, you'd already be dead.

LESSON THREE: The Growl. This is surprisingly useful, especially in the business world. And occasionally with children. When someone is pissing you off, don't say or do anything: growl. Makes undesireable people give you that space you need, and that right quick -- and once that space is established, it stays constant. Who wants to get near a crazy growling person? Of course, if the other person growls... run, Timmy, RUN.


LESSON FOUR: Expect the Unexpected. Sure, this is a recipe for lifelong paranoia, but you never know where those claws are coming from. Of course, not minding the pain and suffering of ubiquitous claws and teeth works well, too -- esp. in parenting. (Da-da typically employs Muhammed Ali's tactic of absorbing as much punishment as inhumanly possible, for as long as it takes. It's like hitting yourself in the head with a ball peen hammer: it feels so good when it stops.) 


LESSON FIVE: Hiding in Plain Sight. Ok, they've heard you, but can they see you? Disguising yourself to fool a cat? Good luck. But blending in, unnoticed, is a lifelong art, as is writing about onself in the third-person. Yes, Da-da is crazy. Duh: he was raised by cats.

The dreaded, INTERNECINE "Floating Cat" technique. You're so dead.


LESSON SIX: Misdirection. This works so well. Just keep a few small pebbles in your pockets (not too big, or they make a sound) and toss them in a corner when you're in trouble. Fortunes have been made whilst that head was turned. CAT FORTUNES.

There were lots of other lessons, but they're part of the Secret Siamese Sisterhood of Pain. If Da-da revealed them... HELLO, KITTY. The cat ghostage would be... well, annoying. And stinky. If you'd truly like to develop these skills, just live 24/7 with five insane Siamese cats -- ALONE -- for 15 years. No sweat. Da-da didn't do it on purpose; as usual, he was just making the best of a weird situation.

Note: Siamese cats are different now than they were when Da-da was a boy. Their gene pool has been so severely inbred and shallowed and made more insane as to make them even MORE desireable as cat-ninja instructors. Really, any surly, high-strung cat named, BITEY, will do. Remember, you need about five of them, but PLEASE, not more than that. We want you trained, not insane. Also note that the hair balls you're gonna be coughing up are not pleasant, but can be useful in evasion...

CRAP. You've been spotted. Quick! On your back! Legs up! PURR, purr like the WIND!

Fig. 9. Ming the Merciless. (No, that's not a rock. And you're dead).

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