15.3.13

Neanderthal Mystery SOLVED? (or, "Pay No Attention to the Hot Neanderthal Behind the Curtain")

The reason why Cro-Magnon died out has been well established (too many attorneys), but scientists
are rabid to know: WHAT ABOUT NEANDERTHALS? Did they become scientists... or supermodels??

Scientists seem to want to know... nay, NEED to know the answer to: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NEANDERTHALS? Despite their larger brains, did the Neanderthals suffer such slow cranial nerve speed due to their overly large eyes, causing them to be such slow mental processors that they couldn't keep up with the incredibly smart and wonderful (and murderous) Homo sapiens invaders?

Old paradigm.
Or were they perhaps so overly sensitive and peaceful and picking flowers all the time that they collectively jumped off some stone age bridge when their European climes were invaded by the incredibly smart and wonderful (and murderous) Homo sapiens invaders? Come on, they had to have something wrong with them, right? They were just stupid cave dwellers. All stupid human ancestors lived in caves and ate raw meat and shrank from FIRE and fought dinosaurs, right?

Ah, but now it seems Neanderthals may have been "absorbed" by the (murderous and horny) Homo sapiens invaders (link). Da-da knows why: Neanderthals were hot.  

New paradigm. And just LOOK at those flint-knapping skills!
Well, hot to the (murderous and horny) Homo sapiens invaders. But wait, it gets better.

Because Neanderthal supermodels were also highly sensitive, according to scientists (Neanderthal bones apparently tell a lot about sensitivity -- come on, LOOK AT THE BONES), those hot Neanderthal babes with the big eyes and wide foreheads and fur bikinis were also a whole order of magnitude LESS high maintenance than their intelligent and advanced Homo sapiens invader babe counterparts, many of whom can still be seen working their singular magic on reality TV shows centered in New Jersey (in reruns, anyway).
Homo sapiens sapiens.

Hey, Og! Give us a kiss!
Yes, those images that showcase Neanderthals as ugly brutes fail to observe the obvious: modern humans with the highest percentage of neanderthal genes are MORE attractive and sensitive and sweet than plain ol' purebred homo sapiens sapiens -- or so thought the homo sapiens sapiens invaders 50,000 years ago, who must've been so butt-ugly that they were ready to jump genetic ship at the drop of a clovis point; in nature, hybrids are typically more vivacious, and get a lot better gas mileage.

It's well-known that Homo sapiens not only procreated with anything and everything in sight (not like they do, now), they also killed for the privilege, until social morays were installed to make it legal to do so -- esp. when it came to the hot and the blonde.

Speaking of that, anyone recall the story of Helen of Troy? YUP: Helen was 82% Neanderthal. "HELEN" is in fact Neanderthal for, "hot blonde, sensitive and loose." Ah, science.

"Helen! Hurry, dear! All the ships need to be launched!"

[Note: a more interesting scientific study might be one that determines the amount of Neanderthal genes in modern prison populations, but Da-da already knows the answer to that one: zero. Indeed, prison populations are mostly made up of genetic descendants of career politicians.]

We've come for your media stereotypes.

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