The Tao of Da-da 16: Return of the Living Dead Da-da

Oh, great. They said The Afterlife would have donuts.

16
 
Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Like you had any graymatter left, anyway?
Let your heart be at peace,
but try to stay conscious.
Watch the turmoil of the small beings,
but only contemplate using duct tape.

Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity.
But only after the small beings leave for school.

If you don't realize this,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow,
and wonder why you ever let Ma-ma talk you into this.
When you realize that parenting is like hitting yourself in the head with
a ball peen hammer, and that it feels really good when you stop,
you naturally become tolerant of hitting yourself in the head
with ball peen hammers.
Disinterested, amused, bruised,
shellshocked as a WWI grandfather,
dignified as a trussed chicken.
Immersed in the stupified wonder of A Man Called Da-da,
you think you can deal with whatever life brings you,
but you’re so wrong.
And when death comes, you are so ready.
But don’t get cocky.
A Man Called Da-da always comes back as The Living Dead.
Like you're gonna get off that easy?

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished third book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Enlightened publisher inquiries welcome. Void where prohibited. We're coming for you, Barbara.]

Ah, THERE they are. Mmmm, Afterlife Donuts...

Da-da Wonders...

The Santa Pause: A Summer Primer

Don't worry, it's not technically child abuse.

Da-da grew up in the desert. Someone had to. This means all those summer dreams of smiley picnics and BBQs and cookouts and volleyball and beach frolics mean absolutely nothing to Da-da. In the desert, summers are brutal, to be avoided; you get to feeling like a bat, stuck inside all day in the coolness of your cave, hanging upside down, going out only at night. Well, maybe that's just Da-da. Anyway, it's hot in the desert in summer. No. HOT. Dry. Dead. Tires stick to the driveway. Everything's brown, dessicated. You get the idea. Weatherwise, the only time anything happens in the desert is in the fall, winter and spring. So, those who see winter as a lifeless season... well, that's how Da-da sees summer. Needless to say, Da-da doesn't look forward to summer much, but he manages to get through as he used to get through it: with Christmas music.

And now, if you could please stop punching your Da-da doll a moment, Da-da will explain.

Seems the only times Da-da was happy as a kid was when school was out -- esp. during Christmas vacation/winter break, when Da-da would put on a huge stack-O-Xmas music and proceed to build one hellaciously enormoid Gothic Christmas diorama in the living room all week before the main event, sorta like this but with more zing:

This was a small one.

As a recovering musician (jazz and classical), a love for Christmas music is pretty much Da-da's main personality flaw, apart from that inner troll thing. And we're not talking Barbara Streisand Christmas music here, or John Tesh Christmas music, or any of the current, fey pretty-boy dredge-pop effluvia that should never ever ever be listened to, not even by prisoners. No, Da-da's talking about tasty Christmas music: Vince Guaraldi (who did the music for all the Charlie Brown specials), Art Tatum, Red Garland, Oscar Peterson, Dexter Gordon, Ellington.... Those guys, playing mostly instrumental Christmas music, peppered with the odd tasty dead vocalist from way back when you could buy white bread or say the words, "Merry Christmas," without cringing.

99.99% of musicians find Da-da's musical aberration horrifying. Da-da is, in fact, a monster to them. Rocks are thrown. Invectives hurled. Fires are set. Da-da certainly doesn't find fault with any of this abuse. Hey, some people like, "Mork & Mindy." And Da-da can totally take a punch and be just fine. Just don't try it twice, Chuck.

This is how most musicians react to Christmas music.

Anyway, Da-da tries not to inflict his Hideous Summer Yule on others, but his children are being tangentially exposed, musically, on occasion, BUT hold up on that big red CHILD ABUSE button a sec. Da-da mixes things up with Space Pop, Monster Pop, bizarre sound FX, old Disneyland ride soundtracks, jazz and classical, the sound of crickets, all salted with a tinny '30s jazz substrate. Da-da can't stand anything contemporary; music is so redundantly bad these days that Da-da treats it like Vincent Price treated vampires in, "The Last Man on Earth."

So, the logical question that forms in any rational person's mind is: IS DA-DA A MUSIC NAZI?

Well, he does have the mustache, but he keeps it in his Bad Mall Santa Da-da suit. Jeez, what do you expect from a guy who hangs upside down in a cave like a bat all summer listening to Christmas music?

[By the way, special thanks to Da-da's old college friend, BADLANDS, for shaving off (most of) Da-da's Music Nazi Mustache. A former college DJ and barking dog music aficionado (aficionada?), BADLANDS helped Da-da see the value in all kinds of music... well, except rap. Sorry, B. Da-da hates rap. Ok, so Da-da might have a little Music Nazi stubble, but one does need to discriminate a little, otherwise, we'd all still be watching, "Mork & Mindy," while hanging upside down and listening to Christmas music.]

Na-nu, na-.... Nah.

The Tao of Da-da 15: The Ancient Da-da Masters LAUGH

This guy's clearly been home with the kids too long.

15


The Ancient Da-da Masters were profound and subtle.
Well, those who didn't go insane.
Their wisdom was unfathomable.
There's no way to describe it.
All we can do is describe their appearance...
which is a little disturbing, but understandable.

Unlike A Man Called Da-da, the Ancient Da-da Masters
were more careful and patient
when small beings did anything remotely annoying.
They were:
Alert as a Disney park tour guide;
Courteous as a ninja;
Fluid as a leaky sippy cup;
Flexible as a block of Play Doh;
Receptive as a block of Play Doh;
Clear as a block of Play Doh.

Do you have the patience to wait
till the kid-mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?
No. Of course not.
Someone somewhere is screaming
and you haven't slept in five years.

A Man Called Da-da doesn't seek fulfillment.
He’s too numb.
Not seeking, not expecting,
he is present
and welcomes all things carbonated and alcoholic.

The Ancient Da-da Masters laugh.
Lucky bastards.

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished third book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Enlightened publisher inquiries welcome. Void where prohibited. Ancient Da-da Masters make the best coffee.]

The One Where Da-da Shows How to Stop Wind Turbines From Killing Birds

"I mean, you're not helping. Why is that, Leon?"
"Well, those blades keep whacking me, 'cause I can't see 'em."
"Oh. Sorry."

Da-da's oldest, Nagurski, loves birds. He was just reading about how giant wind turbines were killing birds all over the place and no one knows what to do about it. Well, Da-da knows what to do:

Paint the giant blades with ultraviolet paint.

Sure. Why do birds never fly into spider webs? Because they can see into the ultraviolet end of the spectrum, and spider webs GLOW in birds' eyes. Some companies even make ultraviolet-colored fake spider webs to put on your windows to keep the birds from smacking into them. So, simply scale this up and paint the turbine blades with ultraviolet paint and turn the turbines back on and everyone's happy. A bird will fly near the turbine and basically see the equivalent of a huge glowing dinner plate spinning in the air and the bird will say, "WHOA! A HUGE GLOWING SPINNING THING! I BETTER NOT FLY INTO THAT!" And suddenly, the world is a better place for birds and the environment and all the choirs let loose and The Cabal goes to jail and none of us have to pay taxes or our mortgages ever again. You know, a Happy Place.

If someone somewhere wants to thank Da-da for this helpful suggestion, feel free to contribute to his boys' college fund. And now, on to the problem of saving snails from all those ravenous French bistros, but that's easy... 

WHOA! Note that this represents Da-da's 1000th post! Let's get this snail off the ground!

The Tao of Da-da 14: Toy Avalanches and YOU

Not true, eyeball. Da-da's over here, under the Legos.

14

Look for the toy... and it cannot be seen.
Listen for the toy... and it cannot be heard.
Reach for the toy... and it cannot be grasped.
Reach again for the toy...

Toy Avalanche. Crap.

Above, it isn't bright.
Below, it isn't dark.
Buried under toys in the Infinite Closet.
Seamless and unnameable,
A Man Called Da-da quickly returns to the realm of nothingness,
a toy form that includes all toy forms,
a dinosaur image without a dinosaur image,
a subtle glow-in-the-dark skeleton, beyond all conception...
Da-da as lost toy.

Approaching Da-da-ness, your work has no beginning;
following Da-da-ness, your work has no end.
You can't know it, but you’re pretty much hosed,
lost in your own Da-da life.
Rather than wallow,
try to realize where you came from
and where you’re now stuck, indefinitely.
Then crack open a beer and get over it.
This is the essence of Da-da wisdom.

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished third book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Enlightened publisher inquiries welcome. Void where prohibited. A 24-foot gorilla is unreliable in the basement.]

Da-da goes both ways.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Tip #8: Texture and color make children feel warm and safe. Dancing dwarves not so much.

Oh Crap...

Da-da's fallen and he can't get up.

Bronko + Nagurski's Star Wars-y Robot Apocalypse

Behold R2 and RNot doing what they do best.

"Da-da, Why Do Women Make Estrogen?"

Testosterone is powerful stuff, Maurice.

7YO Nagurski: "Da-da, why do women make es-tro-gen, and not tes-tos-ter-one like men?"
Da-da: "Where did you hear about that??"
7YO Nagurski: "Ma-ma."
Da-da: "Ah."
7YO Nagurski: "So why es-trogen, and not tes-tos-terone?"
Da-da: "Because if women produced testosterone, all the men would be dead."

One Weird Trick to Stop Feeling Tired All the Time...

Having children leads to extreme tiredness, so you might wanna practice birth control.
Or simply follow the sign.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Tip #13. Some bathroom remodels will invariably require napalm and high explosives.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Tip #4. Keeping both ghosts and children safe from the outside world can be easier than you think.

Da-da's Gothic Home Improvement for the Haunted Parent

Tip #27. A neon sign works wonders -- esp. when coupled with
a dynamic paint scheme and rakish foundation.

The Tao of Da-da 13: The World is Your Blankie -- If You Can Find the Damn Thing

Where is that damn Blankie?

13
 
Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is a desert golf course filled with fear.
But no matter: these things are way beyond A Man Called Da-da
and matter not when he can't find The Blankie.

What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure?
Da-da's glad you asked.
Whether you go up the ladder or down
Da-da's position is typically shaky.
When Da-da stands with two feet on the ground
he will usually keep his balance enough to catch any barf.
Usually.
But what about The Blankie?

What does it mean that hope is a desert golf course filled with fear?
Besides the Bob Hope/Palm Springs thing going on
(where old ladies yell at you if you don't play fast enough)
hope and fear are both phantoms
that arise from thinking of any “spare time.”
Fearwise, when we don't see the self as necessary to anything but finding The Blankie,
what do we have to fear?
Only the playing of golf in general. 
Which we can't afford, anyway
nor do we have "spare time" for it.
And sure, the old ladies are mean to Da-da
but this a little fear.
A big fear is NOT FINDING THE BLANKIE.

So.
See the world as Your Blankie.
Have faith in the way it always smells and constantly gets torn and falls apart.
Love The Blankie as your self.
And get good at finding and mending The Blankie quickly
while not minding the pain.
And find it.
Find it now.
And start living.
But find it.

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Enlightened publisher inquiries welcome. Void where prohibited. The winds of change are blowing, so watch out for tumbleweeds.]

That Sunday Look of Parenthood

A little help.

Pay No Attention to the Plot Thickening Behind the Curtain

Your first obvious question is, "Are those poppies?" YES. Yes, they are.
Then you ask, "Which plot, Da-da? There seem to be so many these days." And Da-da says, READ, Timmy...

Huh. You can't seem to swing a dead barbecued Evil Emperor these days without striking some massive hoity-planetoid-y death star close-orbiting the sun and showing off her techno-prowess. Now it seems the earlier satellite data has been corroborated with another sighting a week later, showing that same enormous object (est. to be 3X the size of earth), but now accompanied by a smaller object just off her starboard bow -- an object that clearly zooms out of frame. You can plainly see Venus off to the right, and this thing is closer to the sun, very very close, and that means it's being roasted and toasted and is yet thriving and air conditioned and everyone inside is wearing party hats and looking at their watches waiting for Planetfall Terra. Is it any wonder you're not hearing much about this?

Here's the source satellite data. You be da judge.





So. Ferocious typos notwithstanding, do glitches speed away? Makes you wonder what else we might see during Sunday's solar eclipse. Here's Da-da's previous link to weird footage, from a different satellite. You can really see how big the thing is in the above link.

And then there's the current missing data, curiously near the same spot. Huh.

And in this one... could it be that that massive object is siphoning energy? Look at the blacked out BONES:

Regardless, they're all no doubt giggling inside that Death Star, anyway. Why? BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALL THE MISSING POT PIE CHICKEN CHUNKS. Dammit. (See previous post below.)

Food and Loathing: The Amazing Chicken-free Chicken Pot Pie, A Product Non-Recommendation

Don't you believe it.

Sure, Da-da likes to make most things from scratch, but like every other parent on earth, he doesn't always have time to move around without the restraints. So, since Bronko and Nagurski love pot pies -- which Da-da usually secures from Trader Joes, (which are awesome, but they were out) -- Da-da shelled out $5.49 each for two of the above pot pies from an upscale overpriced market that shall remain shameless. $5.49 doesn't apparently buy what it once did, esp. when it's festooned with the word, "ORGANIC." Note that these were the only two pot pies they carried, the other brand being smaller. Here's the image and description off Pacific Foods website:

"Tender chunks of free-range organic chicken and garden vegetables are simmered slowly in a creamy sauce and ladled into a light, flakey crust made with organic flour and butter. It will remind you of home in that mouthwatering “can I have seconds, please?” sort of way. And this one is ready in about seven minutes. So, you could have two if you really wanted to."

Uh huh. Dangle that participle, word-monkey. That said, the pot pie reality was a bit different.

First off, there were no chunks of chicken whatsoever. Not one. In two pies. Da-da checked, incredulous, as he'd been suckered by the pic on the box and couldn't quite believe it, but who are we kidding this is what the world has come to, right? [breathing sound] Second, there was no crust apart from the thing slapped on top of the paper bowl, and it was a millimeter thick. Ah, but there were lots of "chicken gravy," vaguelly redolent of... well, of something that used to have feathers. Since the "pie" contained nothing else, these were in fact nothing but, "GRAVY PIES," and the gravy was lame. Da-da wasted an hour's-worth of British Thermal Units to cook these pathetic paper bowls of blah. And Da-da's boys did not want seconds -- indeed, they quite loudly complained that there was no chicken in their chicken pot pie (which they've come to expect from Trader Joes' pot pie), took two bites of gravy and asked for a hot dog. Da-da then had to waste more time and more money making more food -- in a big damn hurry, as the natives were starving and tend to flense flesh off bones in this dangerous state. They were not happy and Da-da is not happy... AND POT PIE IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

See there? You made Da-da get all CAP-py. Nice work. Back to Soylent Green, already in progress.

"Soylent Green is people food!"

The Tao of Da-da 12: The Truth is Out There... in the Garage

Da-da'll be in the garage watching X-Files reruns.

12

Toy colors blind the eye.
Screaming deafens the ear.
Chicken nuggets numb the taste.
Lack of thought weakens the mind.
And desire would wither the heart
if Da-da had any energy left for desire.

A Man Called Da-da observes the world
but trusts his little television in the garage.
He allows things to come and go
because he cannot possibly control them.
His heart is open to the sky
during his quadruple bypass.

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Enlightened publisher inquiries welcome. Void where prohibited. If you have a psychiatric emergency, please come sit next to Da-da.]

Da-da's Calculus of Creepy Art Appreciation 201: Finding Your Perfect Foyer Statue

Finding that perfect creepy foyer statue is paramount to setting the right artistic tone with children.

Of Eclipses, Sphinxes and Shrubberianism

You know things are getting weird when Ma-ma dons her Sphinx outfit.
If she asks you a question, be sure to know the answer.

Da-da hasn't seen news of this upcoming solar eclipse anywhere, but then again, Da-da refers to himself as Da-da and lives under a shrubbery (two actually, for a nice two-pronged effect). Anyway, said solar eclipse will be visible on Sunday, May 20th, in the early evening across much of the U.S., as well as other parts of the globe, with apologies to those readers in non-eclipse-y, socially and economically functional countries. All the info on when and where is elegantly presented HERE at Shadow and Substance. They do an awesome job. Basically, May 20th is gonna be one weird day. Trust Da-da on this one. All your plants WILL DOUBLE IN SIZE and become sentient, while all your Yahtzee dice will go missing. Weird, huh?

What this REALLY MEANS is that you'll be able to trick your kids into going to bed earlier. Ahem.

Almost time for Tubby Apocalypse. (Ignore the blood.) It'll be over soon, Roger the Shrubber.

The Tao of Da-da 11: Working Without a Net

11
 
We install training wheels and provide the training
but it is A Man Called Da-da
who makes the bike move.

We constantly fill the sippy cup
but the emptiness inside Da-da's head
cannot be filled for any appreciable length of time.

We hammer our thumb for a house
but it is both the inner and outer expletives
that make the moment livable.

We work without a net,
so falling on our faces is what we achieve
but it seems to make us look better.

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Enlightened publisher inquiries welcome, provided you provide a nice shrubbery. Void where prohibited. If you have a psychiatric emergency, please Dial 9-1-1 and stop driving the bus.]

Da-da's Darwin Award #3: Death Car on the Freeway

What's wrong with this picture?

Da-da used to be a professional musician (jazz and classical) in Southern California a while ago, and hence was in his car a lot. On one such outting, he was transporting other musicians who seemed to take it for granted that Da-da had a car and would drive them around from gig to gig. This went on for months, with no one offering to pitch in for gas, to drive, or to do anything that might help the driver; no one even bought Da-da a burger, or some coffee.

Having grown infinitely weary of these freeloaders, Da-da hatched an evil plan of revenge at 2:30 am one dark and non-stormy clear night on the way home from a gig. Everyone in the car was fast asleep -- everyone except Da-da --  and had been for at least an hour. Since Da-da had traveled the same freeways for years, he knew them as well as the highway patrol, so he knew what he was doing. Seeing his opportunity, Da-da slowed and stopped his small car in the middle of the freeway, at the crest of a hill, such that he could see behind him for a good three miles. There was no one out on the road, on either side, no headlights for miles. Being a weeknight and very late, it was totally dead. Da-da rolled down his window, so the cold air and silence would creep in on his passengers. Then he turned the car's lights off -- again, with a keen eye on the mirrors for any headlights -- and just sat there for a good minute, listening to his passengers snore. Da-da then took a deep breath and yelled at the top of his lungs:

"OMIGOD THE CAR BROKE DOWN WE'RE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREEWAY!!!"

Four guys suddenly snapped awake and started screaming, heads whipping back and forth in terror at the reality of Da-da's words. They could FEEL the cold night air on their faces, the lack of acceleration, the SMELL of the cement, SEE that we were really stopped dead, lights out, in the middle of the damn freeway. Sparse street lights revealed grooved cement of the empty lanes, six across. Green freeway signs glared at them blankly, surrounded by tire chunks and freeway flotsam festooning the fence beyond. Their frightened screams rose in pitch... which was Da-da's cue to start the car.

"I'll try to start the car again!" Da-da shouted, in a rare, Academy-award-winning first-person performance.

It started immediately, of course. Da-da flipped on the lights and floored it, roaring up and over the freeway's crest to the cheers of his passengers. Da-da was a hero! And his passengers? They were WIDE AWAKE for the duration and, for the record, never fell asleep in Da-da's car again.

What's the moral of the story?

Da-da's a moron.

Why?

Because lots of drunks and low-lifes and stupid musicians turn their lights off when they drive, so the police won't see them weaving around playing air hockey with two-ton automobiles and the center divider, or pulling pranks in the middle of a freeway. Despite that, there was Da-da, sitting in the middle of the freeway with no lights on, a sitting duck. Worse, he had sleeping people depending on him for their safety, trusting him. Sure, Da-da COULD see very well for at least three miles behind him, so there was very little danger, but it was still a dumb thing to do. Thing is, those guys are STILL AWAKE somewhere, eyes saucer-wide and unblinking.

Needless to say, if you're reading this and you're some stupid kid -- or worse, you think you're really smart -- DO NOT DO WHAT DA-DA DID. It was a dangerous stunt that just happened to come off without a hitch. And don't have kids till you're old and know better. There. That's all the free advice you get for today. Ya dumb kid. Btw, "Death Car on the Freeway" was the name of a terrible "CHiPs" made-for-TV embarrassment in the late '70s, but Da-da couldn't resist recycling it. Ya dumb Da-da... er, kid.

Punch it, Da-da!

See Da-da's Darwin Award #2: Dumb and Dumber.

See Da-da's Darwin Award #1: The Ultimate in Grueling Blender Horror.

Happy Hallmark Day, Mom (or, "Take THAT, Doves and Bunnies!")

Just a small root problem.

As usual, Da-da's spending Mother's Day being Da-da and dealing with Da-da things. So, while Ma-ma and the boys frolic in the woods, battling doves and bunnies on a picnicky nature adventure, Da-da's stoically awaiting the Roto-Rooter guy to de-root Da-da's clogged sewer line. Ma-ma gets all the fun, so long as her ammo holds out.

Take that, doves and bunnies! (Ma-ma's still an artist with a Thompson.)

 

Ma-ma the Moon

Ma-ma the Moon


There are so many things the ocean wants.
It wants to relax, to sleep.
To storm. A lot.
To toss silly ships and shippage.
To worry forgotten chunks of land, earth.
But what it really wants is the moon
silver and silky and strange
so near so often, yet often missed, sometimes far away
sometimes full of aliens
looked on by so many 
often taken for granted by little people
but never forgotten by those who know,
loved for its sweetness, its saintly purview
swelled after and loved after by the salt of the earth,
the thoughts of the sea.

Apoca-Parenting 702: Follow the Money?

End of an era?

Here's a juicy sideways connection. Da-da's oldest son, Nagurski, is currently reading a kid's book about all the U.S. Presidents, and it spells out a puzzling fact of history that's always bugged Da-da: every President killed -- and there were a lot -- was killed because of money and banking. It's an integral part of U.S. history, as you'll see below. Note Da-da's assorted notes on The Titanic, about halfway down, as well as others [in brackets]. 

This timeline shows the pattern of American Presidents being assassinated after challenging central bankers and their monopoly on money, and the Federal Reserve’s artificial creation of booms and busts that causes people to lose their jobs, homes, and retirements, while the bankers further consolidate wealth and control.

1694 – Bank of England Established
First Central Bank established in the UK. Served as model for most modern central banks.

1744- Mayer Amschel Rothschild, Founder of the Rothschild Banking Empire, is Born in Frankfurt, Germany
Mayer Amschel Rothschild extended his banking empire across Europe by carefully placing his five sons in key positions. They set up banks in Frankfurt, Vienna, London, Naples, and Paris.  By the mid 1800’s they dominated the banking industry, lending to governments around the world and people such as the Vanderbilts, Carnegies, and Cecil Rhodes.

1757- Colonial Scrip Issued in US
Debt free, fiat currency was printed in the public interest. As Benjamin Franklin said,
“In the colonies we issue our own money. It is called colonial scrip. We issue it in proper proportion to the demands of trade and industry to make the products pass easily from the producers to the consumers. In this manner, creating for ourselves our own paper money, we control its purchasing power and we have no interest to pay no one.”

1776 – American Independence

1791 – Congress Creates the First US Bank – A Private Company, Partly Owned by Foreigners – to Handle the Financial Needs of the New Central Government
Previously, the 13 states had their own banks, currencies and financial institutions.

[Da-da insert: 1812 -- Rothschild makes a killing buying and selling bonds associated with The War of 1812 via advanced knowledge (a whole day) of the outcome of Wellington's battle with Napoleon, boosting his existing wealth by 6300%.]

1816 – The Privately Owned Second Bank of the US was Chartered – It Served as the Main Depository for Government Revenue, Making it a Highly Profitable Bank

1832 – Andrew Jackson Campaigns Against the 2^nd Bank of the US and Vetoes Bank Charter Renewal
Andrew Jackson was  skeptical of the central banking system and believed it gave too few men too much power and caused inflation. He was also a proponent of gold and silver and an outspoken opponent of the 2^nd National Bank. The Charter expired in 1836.

1833 – President Jackson Issues Executive Order to Stop Depositing Government Funds Into Bank of US
By September 1833, government funds were being deposited into state chartered banks.

Jan 30, 1835 – Jackson Escapes Assassination
Assassin misfired twice.

1833-1837 – Manufactured “boom” created by central bankers – money supply Increases 84%, Spurred by the 2^nd Bank of the US
The total money supply rose from $150 million to $267 million.[1]

1837-1843 – Terrible Depression
343 of the 850 banks in the US closed entirely as largest banks consolidated wealth and power.[2]

1861 – American Civil War

1862-1863 Lincoln Over Rules Debt-Based Money and Issues Greenbacks to Fund the War
Bankers would only lend the government money under certain conditions and at high interest rates, so Lincoln issued his own currency – “greenbacks” – through the US Treasury, and made them legal tender. His soldiers went on to win the war, followed by great economic expansion.
           
April 15, 1865 – Lincoln Assassinated

1881- President James Garfield, Staunch Proponent of “Honest Money” Backed by Gold and Silver, was Assassinated
Garfield opposed fiat currency (money that was not backed by any physical object) and was a strong advocate of a bi-metal monetary system. He had the second shortest Presidency in history.

[Da-da insert: March 4, 1901 -- William McKinley Assassinated.
McKinley was also a strong advocate of a bi-metal monetary system.]

1907- Banking Panic of 1907
The New York Stock Exchange dropped dramatically as everyone tried to get their money out of the banks at the same time across the nation. This banking panic spurred debate for banking reform. JP Morgan and others gathered to create an image of concern and stability in the face of the panic, which eventually led to the formation of the Federal Reserve. The founders of the Federal Reserve pretended like the bankers were opposed to the idea of its formation in order to mislead the public into believing that the Federal Reserve would help to regulate bankers when in fact it really gave even more power to private bankers, but in a less transparent way.

1908 – JP Morgan Associate and Rockefeller Relative Nelson Aldrich Heads New National Monetary Commission
Senate Republican leader, Nelson Aldrich, heads the new National Monetary Commission that was created to study the cause of the banking panic. Aldrich had close ties with J.P. Morgan and his daughter married John D. Rockefeller.

1910 – Bankers Meet Secretly on Jekyll Island to Draft Federal Reserve Banking Legislation
Over the course of a week, some of the nations most powerful bankers met secretly off the coast of Georgia, drafting a proposal for a private Central Banking system. Those in attendance included Nelson Aldrich, A.P. Andrew (Assistant Secretary of the Treasury), Paul Warburg (Kuhn, Loeb, & Co.), Frank Vanderlip (President of National City Bank of New York), Charles D. Norton (president of the Morgan-dominated First National Bank of New York), Henry Davidson (Senior Partner of JP Morgan Co.), and Benjamin Strong (representing JP Morgan).

[Da-da insert: April 15, 1912 -- Titanic Sinks, With All Central Bank Foes on Board
J.P. Morgan, who owned the Titanic, "just missed the boat" after promising to iron out the differences with all foes of the Federal Reserve during the voyage, who all just happened to be on board to meet with Morgan about this issue. The ship famously sank and of course had only enough lifeboats for the women and children. All of those financial figures who were against The Fed perished, some 600+. Now, since Morgan literally missed the boat, he went on to help create...]

Dec 23, 1913 – Federal Reserve Act Passed
Two days before Christmas, while many members of Congress were away on vacation, the Federal Reserve Act was passed, creating the Central banking system we have today. It was based on the Aldrich plan drafted on Jekyll Island and gave private bankers supreme authority over the economy. They are now able to create money out of nothing (and loan it out at interest), make decisions without government approval, and control the amount of money in circulation.

1913 – Income tax established -16^th Amendment Ratified
Taxes ensured that citizens would cover the payment of debt due to the Central Bank, the Federal Reserve, which was also created in 1913.The 16^th Amendment stated: “The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.”

[Da-da insert: Tax Day, April 15th -- the anniversary of the Titanic's sinking -- is later installed to secretly commemorate J.P. Morgan's Titanic scam.]

 1914 – JP Morgan and Co. Profits from Financing both sides of War and Purchasing Weapons
 J.P. Morgan and Co. made a deal with the Bank of England to give them a monopoly on underwriting war bonds for the UK and France. They also invested in the suppliers of war equipment to Britain and France.

November 1914 – Federal Reserve Banks Open

1921-1929 – The “Roaring 20’s” – The Federal Reserve Floods the Economy with Cash and Credit
From 1921 to 1929 the Federal Reserve increased the money supply by $28 billion, almost a 62% increase over an eight-year period.[3] This artificially created another “boom”.

1929 – Federal Reserve Contracts the Money Supply
In 1929, the Federal Reserve began to pull money out of circulation as loans were paid back. They created a “bust” which was inevitable after issuing so much credit in the years before. The Federal Reserve’s actions triggered the banking crisis, which led to the Great Depression.

October 24, 1929 – “Black Thursday”, Stock Market Crash
The most devastating stock market crash in history. Billions of dollars in value were consolidated into the private banker’s hands at the expense of everyone else.

1930- Great Depression Begins

1929-1933- Federal Reserve Reduces Money Supply by 33%

June 4, 1963 – Kennedy Issued [His Last] Executive Order (11110) that Authorized the US Treasury to Issue Silver Certificates, Threatening the Federal Reserve’s Monopoly on Money
This government-issued currency would bypass the government's need to borrow from bankers at interest.

Nov. 22, 1963 - Kennedy Assassinated

December 1963 – Johnson Reverses Kennedy’s Banking Rule and Restores Power to the Federal Reserve With His [First] Executive Order

1999 – The Financial Services Modernization Act Allows Banks to Grow Even Larger
Many economists and politicians have recognized that this legislation played a key part in the subprime mortgage crisis of 2007.  It repealed part of the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933 and allowed investment banks, commercial banks, securities firms, and insurance companies to merge. Citigroup was a major proponent of this particular bill (it had already merged with Travelers Insurance and needed to find a way to legally keep the corporation together). The government gave Citi officials the opportunity to review and approve drafts before the legislation was introduced and to modify it as they desired. Robert Rubin, Treasury Secretary at the time, helped move the bill forward in early 1999.  He then stepped down from the Treasury position in July, joined CitiGroup in October, and the bill was passed in November.  The Center for Responsive Politics also found that members of Congress who supported the bill received twice as much money from the banking sector than those who opposed it.[4]

2000-2003 – The Federal Reserve Extends “Easy Credit”, Lowers the Federal Fund Rate from 6.5% to 1%[5] and Sets up Another Financial “Boom”

2004 – Investment Banks and the SEC Cut a Deal
On April 28, 2004, five of the biggest investment banks, including Bear Stearns and Goldman Sachs (then run by Henry Paulson, who later became Secretary of the Treasury), met with members of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), urging them to allow voluntary regulation of themselves, so they could determine themselves how much money they could make up out of nothing to loan into circulation. This is known as the banks leverage ratio, or amount of assets to borrowing ratio. Up until 2004, the amount of debt the banks could take on was limited. However, in 2004, the SEC agreed to let banks regulate themselves and take on as much debt as they wanted, therefore unleashing billions of dollars for high-risk investment packages. Under this new voluntary regulation the Bear Stearns ratio, for example, jumped to 33 to 1.[6] Not long after, the economy collapsed and financial wealth and power was again further consolidated into the hands of the private bankers who run the Federal Reserve.

2004-2006 – Federal Reserve Sets Off New “Bust” by Making Loans and Adjustable Rate Mortgages More Expensive, Raising Fed Fund Rates to 5.25%[7], This contracts the market.

2007-2010 – Worst Financial Crisis Since the Great Depression
The financial crisis impacted people around the world – millions lost their homes, jobs, and retirement funds. Many of the smaller banks were absorbed by others, which allowed the biggest banks to further consolidate wealth and eliminate competition. In 2008, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. bought up both Washington Mutual (the biggest bank to “fail” in the history of the United States) and Bear Stearns (the fifth largest investment bank).

2010 – JP Morgan Chase Reports Record Profits
The bank made a record profit of $17.4 Billion in 2010. [8]

[timeline, notes and source material]

Besides all the Presidents getting whacked, look at the above pattern of manufactured boom times, followed by busts. Bet you never saw that before. But there it is. Basically, parents today have to ask the question: What kind of world do we want our children to inherit? Da-da doesn't know about you, but he has higher standards.

The Tao of Da-da 10: Da-da's Not Wearing Pants (Again)

Da-da's not wearing pants (again), which is why he's in a hole in the floor. Hello?

10


Can you coax young children's minds from wandering
and keep to the original oneness, or even twoness?
No.
Can you let their bodies become
strong and supple by plying them with, “balanced meals” they will never eat?
Get real.
Can you cleanse their inner vision
from that horrible commercial they just accidently saw?
Maybe with enough Scooby Doo.
Can you love children and lead them
without imposing your will?
Don’t be ridiculous.
Can you deal with the most vital matters
by letting events take their course?
Yes... and no. Just cover your ears and jump out of the way till you figure it out.
Can you step back from your own mind
and thus understand all things?
Of course not. You're being ridiculous again
probably because you haven't had a good night sleep in six years.

Giving birth and nourishing
having without possessing
acting with no expectations
leading and not trying to control...
these are all impossible for A Man Called Da-da
but don’t tell anyone, even if it is the Supreme Virtue.
Da-da takes down his pants and slides on the ice.

[Excerpted from Da-da's unpublished book, The Tao of Da-da (or "Strong Winds CAN Blow All Day, Depending on How Much Sugar Has Been Ingested"). Void where prohibited. Keep your pants on.]

DA-DA'S RULES OF FOOD CLUB

Rule #13: Grooving while you eat is allowed, but only for really good egg salad.

DA-DA'S RULES OF FOOD CLUB

1st RULE: You do not scream during FOOD CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT scream during FOOD CLUB. (Except when you're screaming.)

3rd RULE: If someone says "bug!" or their fork sticks in the wall, the meal is over.

4th RULE: Only two plates to a diner. Or maybe four. But no more than eight.

5th RULE: One meal at a time. Unless the in-laws are here.

6th RULE: Eye protection. Wear it.

7th RULE: Meals will go on as long as they have to.

8th RULE: If you requested a specific food for FOOD CLUB, you HAVE to eat.

9th RULE: Eat your own food.

10th RULE: Slow down and chew your food like a reasonably sane, rabid animal.

11th RULE: If you're going to eat, your mouth will need be involved.

12th RULE: No food fights -- or YOU clean it up.

13th RULE: Grooving while you eat is allowed, but only for really good egg salad.

No one ever follows Rule #10.

[See Da-da's Rules of Pillow Fight Club.]

It's Thursday and You Know What That Means

Time to start girding one's loins for tonight's T-ball train wreck.

Enter the Happy Sun!

Well, it looks like everything's gonna be ok now that the happy sun is here. If you see doves and bunnies frolicking to and fro, don't worry. It's normal. And, if you must do a Julie Andrews across a meadow, do it far from Da-da's house.

Note: NO, Da-da didn't photoshop that. That's a current image from the SDO. Wheee!

That Pre-teen Look of Parenthood

Luckily for Da-da, 5YO Bronko's axe-throwing needs work.

That Downtime Look of Parenthood

Lying to Da-da Gets You... THE VERDICT

Don't lie to Da-da. It makes his face go all earthquakey.

Someone asked why Da-da cares about the solar wind. He in fact does not care about the solar wind. Da-da just wants the info so he knows what's going on. But more and more, said info cannot be obtained. NASA's taken to deleting data, and other countries are following suit. NASA is also shutting down satellites when unusual data arises. Here are some recent examples: link1 + link2 + link3. This compells Da-da to offer some friendly advice. Listen up, govt. agencies and the media, you need to know this:

When you hide something, everyone is interested.

It's Human Nature 101. If you put the info out there in a nominally bland, governmental way, most people go, "oh," and move on with their lives.

Hiding data and access to data makes people want it more. Oh, and speaking as a parent... lying is wrong, and leads to time-outs. And lying to the public is not only wrong, it's soon to be a serious felony, worldwide, and leads to Ultimate Time-outs.

Since few will remember Paul Newman's awesome final summation from, "The Verdict" (written by David Mamet), here it is again, and boy is it timely:



Da-da doubts all current institutions. The only one he doesn't doubt is MA-MA. And Ma-ma is THE LAW.

That TANTRUM EXPRESS Look of Parenthood

The Tantrum Express never stops, running all day and all night... until you die. Even then, it keeps on going. Hope you brought a book. And a coffin.