|Go into the light.|
...can't say I'll miss you, though MAN can you act. Anyway, don't let next year hit you in the butt on the way out. That said, HELLO... uh, 2012...
Hm. Looks like we're gonna laugh, we're gonna cry, we're gonna be on the edge of our seats. It'll be nothing if not entertaining. Regardless, buckle up, Timmy. Those boots look serious. And functional. Good for wading through all manner of flotsam and jetsam.
|The 2012 New Year's Day Parade will be on the SECOND of January this year -- for the first time ever --|
which will cause some reasonable and unreasonable agitation.
2012 will be all about reasonable and unreasonable agitation.
It's official: UFOs have landed en masse all over Canada -- and strangely, nowhere else on earth. Indeed, thousands of huge flying saucers and behemoth rectangular motherships have taken up residence above and around nearly all Canadian cities and in all provinces. Greeted warmly by the Canucks, the aliens have already started sharing their massive trove of alien technology with the Canadian people.
"We flew around for a good 50 years, checking out the best landing spots," said Xlonk Xlipome, alien subcommander and goodwill ambassador of the Xli, wearing a maple-leafed toque, "but Canada was the only place we liked. Canadians are just nicer than other Terrans. And funnier, jeez. In this universe, you either develop a good sense of humor or you're pretty much hosed." Citing the rampant, fear-based paranoia of most other earth cultures, Xlonk added that more earth cities might be added to the aliens' itinerary, but only if they lightened up. "I think the UK may be next," the alien added. "Besides Kids in the Hall and Slings and Arrows, we're all big fans of Monty Python."
Even more shocking than the Canadian landings themselves, their neighbors to the south have ostensibly begun to turn off FOX news and other fear-based programming, with some Americans actually leaving their homes to hug non-white strangers; some uncharacteristically smile for no reason, waving at saucers headed for Canada, while others have gone so far as to disarm themselves. Texas appears to be the only fully armed, unsmiling exception. Except for a few regional anomalies, Texans still seemed tightlipped and heavily armed -- especially given the Cowboys choking this season. Indeed, Texas seems the only state where passing UFOs are regularly shot at and cursed. "Maybe it's the fire ants," Xlonk shrugged.
|Few people realize it now, but 2012 is gonna be a non-stop B&W Tinkerbell-flintlock explosion!|
Dust off those coonskin caps and nomex coveralls, Clyde, 'cause 2012 is a-comin'! O Lucky Man!
The Whole World is Haunted, Part 2: Of Ghost Mousing and Wireless Suppression... oh, and Dead Man's Email
|Ghost IT guys. Ok, now Da-da's heard everything.|
"The Whole World is Haunted, Part 2" was to come out much sooner, but... well, some things on Da-da's property (things that must remain nameless) don't like him talking about them, so an entire post had to be squelched. You wouldn't have believed it anyway; Da-da doesn't believe it and he's seen 'em twice -- at night and in broad daylight. Indeed, his fourth book was shaping up to revolve around what is basically an elemental mafia, but after Da-da unfurled the plot and characters to Ma-ma -- and on the same day mentioned to a neighbor (a hundred yards from Da-da's house) what was going on... suffice to say that Da-da had some terrible dreams about what would happen should he continue in this vein and has since dropped the project. It would be different if Da-da had photographic evidence.
For those not in the know, please begin with, The Whole World is Haunted, Part 1, for some background on Da-da's strange property. Now to recent events Da-da can actually talk about.
Besides the nominal disembodied walking and creaking and stairmastering, ghostwise things are picking up. Da-da's oldest, Nagurski, seems to be the most sensitive of all of us, and the most in demand as he can hear what they're saying and they like that. Apparently, we have a knot of gloaters in one corner of the house, as all they seem to say is, "HEY!" and "HA!" Not very scary, really, for anyone. (Nagurski, bored: "Da-da, the ghosts said, "HA" again.) However, classic cold spots have began to pop up for the first time, especially next to Nagurski's bed. (Ma-ma just said, "HA!" as she knows all too well that Da-da keeps what the Brits call, "a cold house," thermostat around 62 degrees F. This means the cold spots are cold for DA-DA, which feels around 30 degrees F, though Da-da has yet to see his breath.) Cold spots are easy to explain if you have a degree in physics and an open mind. Entities are simply vibrating at a frequency that reduces the temperature of their incursion into our plane. That explains why Da-da's house is often freezing cold in the summer: Da-da apparently has central ghost air conditioning.
There have been new interlopers, as of late, tall ones that like to walk about rather quickly (Da-da catches them out of the corner of his eye). But the most interesting activity (besides the Elemental Mafia, which are bizarre to modern minds) is the ghost mousing and wireless suppression.
Da-da noticed that when he felt cold spots in his oldest son's room, the wireless internet signal was suppressed on his laptop, sometimes blanking out entirely. Da-da chalked this up to atmospheric flux or somesuch, until he noticed the correlation with the cold spots. Ah, it's happening right now...
What is usually 54 mbps is now 5.5 Mbps... now down to 2 Mbps. And Da-da is the only one home. No police cars passing. No HAM radio broadcasters nearby.
Da-da takes everything at face value, so he has learned to politely ask the entities to please go outside or on the roof, as they're interfering with Da-da's wireless connection. (Da-da just said as much.) And... lo and behold, the wireless strength is restored. It's almost as if someone is reading Da-da's screen over his shoulder. Da-da can't say he blames them. Da-da reads and writes some interesting things. His third book is a hoot, if he can ever finish it.
Indeed, the most fun, lately, occurs when Da-da's been writing (and editing; writing is re-writing). During these times, everyone is either asleep or out of the house, the wireless is often turned OFF (as Da-da tries to keep RF saturation to a minimum). Da-da typically uses two laptops, and he writes in many places in the house, but one corner upstairs seems to be the most common area of strangeness (the SW corner). Occasionally during these times of quiet, Da-da has seen his mouse cursor begin to move erratically. As Da-da uses the laptop's touchpad, not an external mouse, it very much appears as if someone's ghost finger is pushing the cursor around the screen. As Da-da used to be in IT, Da-da knows what some of you are thinking: Da-da has a cyber intruder in his system. Ahh, but the wireless is turned OFF when the "ghost mousing" happens. Ghost mousing. How 2012. And it can't be that Da-da's system has become spurious, as it occurs on two separate laptops. (Both devices have anti-virus, have been checked by the manufacturers, and have been given a clean bill of health.)
It may sound strange, but Da-da's kinda been waiting for something like this to occur. Why? Because one of Da-da's best friends died in June of 201, and he was an IT guy and network architect. Interestingly enough, besides the ghost mousing, Da-da's also been received old emails from his dead friend (dating from 1995, 1998, 2002, 2004, 2009, and 2011), which is explainable, given how TCP/IP works... but it's never happened to Da-da so frequently before. And certainly not from the same person over and over again. Despite the fact that this is patently absurd, it does raise Da-da's hackles every time it happens... but it also makes Da-da chuckle, thinking of Da-da's ghost friend Brad eating a ghost burrito and pushing old email and mouse cursors around. Hmm. Hold on a sec.
Ok, Da-da just asked Ghost Brad to go out into the Internet cloud (Da-da won't say where) and email something juicy to Da-da. Let's see if he's successful.
|Thank you, thank you. No applause, just cool my house in summer, thanks.|
Dang. It's the solstice, and Da-da's gonna get burned at sundown -- again. Hurts every time. At least they're using a nice BBQ sauce this time. Mmmm, roast Da-da... smells tasty! So, what would one serve with a piquant roast Da-da? Ah.
|Mmm, Salmon of Knowledge martinis...|
...but it's freakin' WWIII at Da-da's house (what's left of it), since Bronko and Nagurski are home for winter break. Anyone with a helicopter and tranquilizer gun are encouraged to stop by and drink all of Da-da's booze if he can borrow your kid-stunning equipment.
Bad Mall Santa Da-da hasn't been writing much about being Bad Mall Santa Da-da as it went from funny novelty to soul-numbing grind pretty quickly. Forcing yourself to be jolly when you're dead tired and way weary of kiddie materialism -- AND sick as a dog from all the childhood diseases genuflecting through your beard -- not to mention being pooped on and peed on and barfed on and sneezed on, was more than even a veteran Man Called Da-da could bear, but bear it he did. It was terrible UNTIL Santa Da-da suddenly realized that, not only were these not his kids, but Santa Da-da had already turned that parenting corner and never had to go back! No more diapers! No more projectile vomit! No more bodily excretions flying all over the place! Well, unless you sign up to be a Bad Mall Santa Da-da.
[Read Bad Mall Santa Da-da #5, or SING the Bad Mall Santa Da-da theme song!]
|No doubt that box of Oxydol had something to do with it. |
Other Oxydol side effects: bunny suit compulsion, BB gun mania, etc.
Hm. A little Grinchy before-and-after for a Freaky Friday. The top twist is the most recent, the color obviously sweetened when compared to the original on the bottom. Da-da thought the colors were tweaked, but dismissed it until 4 and 6YO Bronko and Nagurski pointed out the color change, as well; they've seen Da-da's DVD original about 20 times. We all agreed that we liked the original icky Grinch green as it best suits his icky Grinch character. Da-da also noticed that some video editor had overcranked and oversaturated the latest version's colors, causing some pixelization, which is really inexcuseable. Alas, Da-da fears this is the future of everything, as more and more "experts" second-guess films' original directors, art directors and editors, making the past increasingly pixelated and "improved." Or perhaps the color faded and has been restored? It's possible. Da-da's been wrong before -- at least twice.